Brian and Justin came in from Statesboro and we did the normal hopping of bars. We were at The Rail and Brian spotted some of the funniest bathroom wall graffiti I have heard in a while.
"I fucked your Mom"
"Go home Dad. You're drunk."
I also went to jail. Re-phrase, I went to A jail...to visit a friend. He is in there for some long drawn out he-said she-said bullshit and I expect things to wash over soon, but in any case, he has been there for a month, so Krystal and I went to visit him.
Poor guy. Never been in trouble in his LIFE and suddenly he is in there with all these troubled people.
Anyway, it was an interesting experience to say the least. When you first walk in, you stand in this long visiting line. They had BET on the television in the waiting room. The movie was about some lady that shot a preacher and then went to jail. Krystal and I just looked at each other.
Then you have to give your ID to the dude at the desk, empty your pockets and go through a metal detector. I was quite upset that my screws in my knee didn't set off the metal detector. Oh well. Same thing happened at the airport. I was disappointed then too. They really should make those screws bigger or the scanners more sensitive. SOMETHING!
After you get done with that you walk down this LOOOONNNNGGGGG, very white hallway. It is mental institution white. If no one has ever roller bladed down that hallway, they have missed a GREAT opportunity in life.
You get to the visiting corridor, which is shaped like a octagon, and there are four seats below four windows at each one of the walls. Through my observations, our wall, B-3, was the only wall that had those phones that you talked through. Everyone else has speaker boxes with buttons on it. Needless to say, there were some people there that were NOT using their inside voices and therefore made it hard for us to have our conversations. But I wasn't going to say anything to them.
We stayed for about 20 minutes or so and then made our way out. There were some people there that looked right at home, kids running everywhere; like this was the most normal thing to do on Sunday.
Joe (the bossman) was telling me and The Office Mate a story today that I thought was funny.
Bossman's wife had a 3rd cousin three times removed to the fourth power that passed away not too long ago. At his funeral they were giving little stories that they remembered about him. His friend from high school got up there and was telling a story about how they all skipped classes one day and were out driving down the road and stopped at a stop light and looked over and there was a cop. The cop was giving them the look like "why aren't you fuckers in school?!?" when Bossman's wife's 3rd cousin three times removed to the fourth power rolled down his window and said to the cop, "Ya wanna race?"
The cop let them go.
It also reminded me of a story when I was in high school. It was after school, but I didn't have my car, so me, Christine and her boyfriend at the time, got in her car. She wanted me to drive so she could flirt around with her boyfriend in the backseat. No one was supposed to be driving Christine's car...her Dad barely let HER drive it. The road that went directly past the school was a main road for all the air force base traffic (where Christine's Dad works). So I am sitting at the stop sign getting ready to pull out when I think I see Christine's Dad driving by...so I duck.
Visual: Car at a stop sign, two people in the backseat. No driver.
People frustrate me sometimes. They ask for help with something and then get mad at you when the solution to the problem isn't what they wanted. Sorry, that is the solution, sorry it isn't how you wanted it to be. Lets see, how does that saying go? Oh yeah! TOUGH SHIT!
Enough of that!
I am downstairs cause today is my day to cover the phones while Larkin (the bomb diggity receptionist) is out to lunch. I see that she has here on her desk a National Geographic Expeditions magazine. YES! National Geographic does expeditions...I had NO IDEA!
They go a BAZILLION different places - oh, speaking of bazillion, I had a dream the other night that I hit the jackpot at a slot machine somewhere and the actual amount I won was a bazillion dollars. I love how my head makes up fake dollar amounts to demonstrate the fact that I was filthy rich. I remember they gave me $6,000.00 in cash and then the rest in a cashiers check. I looked at the check and thought I had only won $75,000.00 (yes, only), but alas, the second time I looked there were more zeros. However many zeros makes up a bazillion minus the $6,000.00 I had already received via cash.
Back to National Geographic. So they have these expeditions, which they have apparently had for a while, but anyway, this is the first I have seen of them, and they have a new ship that is going to be making its inaugural trip to the Baltics in June of this year. It goes to see Polar Bears and Norway and Iceland and Greenland and Antarctica and all those very cold places. Very neat!
The trip I want to go on though, and feel free to contribute to the fund, is the trip around the world on a private jet. Yes ma'am!!! The private jet is a Boeing 757 that has been modified to fit 88 people comfortably. It normally fits 228. The trip takes 24 days and only costs $56,950.00. What a bargain!!! The bummer is that it is sold out until late December of this year. Oh well, gives me a few months to save up I guess.
Our tour guide for the trip will be Peter Hillary who, apparently, has circled the globe many times. According to his bio he "has ascended the highest mountains in South America and Africa, dived with sharks on the Great Barrier Reef in Australia, and traveled up India's sacred Ganges River."
How DO you get a job like THAT? Could you imagine how AWESOME that would be?!? Waking up in the morning...ohhh, where in the world are we now...what? Tanzania? OH, no, we are in Morocco! Silly me!
I have officially decided that I want to be a tour guide. How hard could it be? Look, there are some really old rocks and they are like, totally, really old and there are some pointy triangle things that these dudes way back in the Jesus days got buried in. OH! Look! A big piece of ice! That means we are somewhere where it is too freakin cold, so we are going to turn our little happy asses back and go to Peru.
How about ol' Heath dying on us?! Very sad. I really enjoyed his movies.
Krystal was quite disappointed, I think she has been in love with him since 10 Things I Hate About You and in her mind was going to marry both Julia Stiles and Heath at some point in her life. At the very least, maybe they would get married to each other. Her dreams have been shattered.
Today has been a pretty good day thus far!
I downloaded some new software IrFanView which allows me to print batch files of photos AND print the name of the file under the photo. If you don't understand what I am talking about, that is OK, just know that I was VERY excited!
I also locked myself in the bathroom. I wasn't AS excited about that, but it was a good laugh for those that had to rescue me. The door to the bathroom is a very old door with a very sticky knob. Most people here at the office have been trapped in that bathroom at least once...I am glad that I was at least here for a year before that happened to me. I am equally as glad that I didn't drop a huge "I drank all night/hungover" deuce cause those can be deadly. It was just a normal "I at pizza last night" one. Whew! Sometimes luck is just on your side!
Yes, I know that was gross, but when you have nothing else that is funny, poopies can be a very good fill in. What?! Everybody shits! Yes, even you!
American Idol is back! Boy have I been enjoying that! Those retards are the second on my list (after poopies) for funny talk! People are idiots and I LOVE watching idiotic people!
I was sitting here watching Intervention (like a fiend) with Larkin and Krystal when we noticed alot of pretty red lights and sounds of firetrucks. Turns out it was fire trucks. No shortage of excitement around these parts...no sir!
So, we go outside and light up a cig and try and figure out what is goin on. Turns out the lady three doors down noticed that her gas meter was on fire. Someone could have probably told us that there was a leaking gas meter BEFORE we lit up...but anyway, she said that she called the police and the police told her to call the gas company and the gas company said that it would take 30 minutes and so she called the fire department. The fire department said they couldn't do anything.
WHAT? Lets see. FIRE. And you have FIRE in your name (Chatham County Fire Department) and you can't deal with a FIRE?!? So I called Brian, cause he is the go to man for all gas issues (he worked for the gas company for 4 years) and it turns out that the fire department DOES have the tools for turning off the gas...
We were leaving the house anyway, to take Larkin home, but we left the kittens and ferrets behind and just hoped that we came back to non-charred animals and household. So far so good. Looks like the gas company is here now...
But just in case, I wanted to post this blog to let you know what was going on. And make sure, that if we die, you file suit against the fire department for your pain and suffering (in how much you miss us) and also negligence of some sort for dumbass fire department people.
I will note, however, that they did block off a two block radius in light of the fact that it was a gas leak. They didn't bother, HOWEVER, to knock on our doors to let us know that there was a gas meter leaking TWO FUCKING UNITS DOWN.
OK, the Office Mate told me I should blog about this...
I had a dream last night about this guy and he was some kind of 'women's get to know yourself inside and out, be empowered to be a women' kind of motivational character in my dream. Please note, he was in normal clothes and it actually took me until I was in the shower this morning to realize who it was in my dream. I kept thinking, after I woke up, "That guy in my dream seems SO familiar, WHO was that?!?"
Anyway, from what I can remember, there is some kind of workshop you go to. It started out with my back turned to the guy and he then asks me to sit in this chair and he says, "OK, don't make fun of my bitch smell" and then takes his thumbs and smooths out my eyebrows and traces my face with his thumbs, which, by the way, in my dream, smelled like his balls. APPARENTLY, a "bitch smell" is the smell you have on your hands after you have explored your neither regions.
Don't fucking ask me! I am just the dreamer here people. I can't help what happens in my mind.
Anyway, the next thing we do is pick out a number that empowers us (??) and then we walk outside and everywhere we find this number of ours we have to touch it with our bitch smell. Let it be known that I was in complete observance of this and NOT a participator. The guy's number was 6 by the way.
At some point in our adventures we run into this guy's wife, who is gorgeous, and it completely throws me off cause I am under the impression that this "Life Coach" is gay as Elton John circa 1970 shopping at Barneys.
So we go back to the "workshop" and I am instructed to have an orgasm. I deny this instruction as I am completely mortified by this whole experience. The next thing I know (I have my back to this dude) my chair starts shaking and I am like, "Whoever is shaking my chair, please stop." And then, I realize that this dude is choking his chicken and I think to myself, "Wow, does he have to do that in every session he gives throughout the day?"
THANKFULLY the dream ends here...I feel certain I ran out of the place screaming.
The neighbor upstairs is an obvious porn addict.
I am OK with you getting your freak on every now and then, totally understandable. Me, personally, I don't have the time. Sometimes I don't even have time to eat, much less go out and buy or rent a flick, sit down, watch, get bored and then figure out that I really do have ADD cause I am really not paying attention to this shit, and think about how much of a whore that girl is looking like and wondering if these people have actual sex lives and why is that guy so ugly...oh wait, he has a big penis, that is how he got on this flick...see my mind it wonders, so again, I just don't have the time, patience or attention span for porn.
Anyway, upstairs neighbor, Steve, his is on, in surround sound, very loudly, at all hours of the day. I wake up and leave for work I hear: "Ahhhh, ahhhh, ohhhh, yeahhhh, yessss, ohhhh yeaaahhhh" and get home from work I hear: "Ohhh give it to me, yesss, ohhhh, I like that, yesssss". I go to bed and I very clearly hear (because his TV w/ surround sound that is very loud is right above my bedroom): (male voice) "Ohh, you like that [spank sound]" (female voice) "Yesssss sir, oh yesss" and then I put my earplugs in and go to bed while trying not to think about how NASTY the situation just a few feet above my head is. Thank GOD for vaulted ceilings, at least I have a good 10 feet of space between me and spunk master.
That being said, this could have been what prompted my bitch smell dream. Who knows. OH and also the fact that I did go and look at Peter Pan's webpage the other day. It seems he is getting married.
I called down to Tybee Island to find out if they, by chance, had any more rooms available. I got the last room at the HoJo.
Brian came down from Statesboro and picked me up from the house and I loaded up the 36 beers I bought and headed down to the beach area and checked into the hotel at about 6:00. Larkin and Paul came and joined me and Brian after we had already downed about 8 beers ourselves. They also brought a 30 pack of beer. (let us calculate: 66 beers)
At about 9:30 we headed to the main strip at Tybee to sing some karaoke. We were soon joined by Jenny, her husband John, Jenny's sister Stephi and her husband Donnie, Jenny and Stephi's parents and brother, Matt. AND then there were John's parents and John's sister Amanda and her husband Duke. We were basically a built in party.
We started the party with some Salt N Pepa – cause there is nothing that gets things goin like those gals! That performance was followed by Journey – Don't Stop Believing…now THAT is a good song! We made good friends with the karaoke guy and his wife…she even asked me to sing some songs with her. We took a lot of pictures together too, but being as intoxicated as I was, I didn't ask for her e-mail and therefore won't have any of those fabulous pictures to share. Maybe we will see her again one day…
About this time, Larkin's cousin Catie came with her boyfriend Brad and two other friends of theirs and Krystal got off work and came on down as well.
At 12:00 we all went down to the beach to peep the fireworks show…wow, was the beautiful!!! We were right next to the pier where they were shooting them off ; therefore we were right under the fireworks…it was a sight to see! We FINALLY got in touch with our office manager, Frances and her husband and we all watched the fireworks together.
After the fireworks we went back to Bennie's to sing some more karaoke, followed by our traveling party. I think by this time we were up to about 22 people. We pretty much took up all the space in the bar.
After we sang everything we could sing and the bar was closing we piled out into the streets to see what was going on. It wasn't much, but there was still some rowdy people…one of which decided to light some fireworks about three inches from our feet. If you think I can't two step, you should have seen me at that moment!! I am actually surprised none of us lost an eye. We ended up going next door to a pizza place that was obviously closed, but the pizza guy was still in there and said he would make us anything we wanted for free. Unfortunately by free he meant that we had to do something for him. So me, Larkin and Krystal MAY have showed him our boobs...but I am not clear on that...what I do know is that we got free cheese bread and a shit load of it! Also in the pizza joint with us was some lady that had a tattoo on her boob…total trailer trash. She was in there with her boyfriend while her kids played on the beach. Yes, her kids, ages 16 through 10 were out on the beach on New Years at 4:00am. Anyway, she was in there and she too wanted free pizza so she definitely offered up her boobs up. Thankfully I was drunk and my beer goggles were on, so the boobs didn't look too bad. She also offered them up one at a time. She said, "Here is the tattooed one" and "here is the non-tattooed one". Lovely. She got a supreme pizza. While she was doing this, her boyfriend was outside talking to Paul and Brian and we witnessed the same lady giving her number to the pizza guy that she just showed her boobs to. Very classy lady that one!
We all headed outside after scoring our free food and the drunk couple continued to talk to us. While they were talking Brian apparently stole one of their pizzas. They had a half eaten cheese pizza and the pizza that she got for showing her boobs. Brian was good enough to get the fresh new pizza and start hauling it back to the hotel. I actually wasn't aware of what was going on nor do I really remember our walk back to the hotel other than another key point…which was Krystal stealing a bicycle and hauling it down to the hotel. I got her to drop it at some point though, thankfully.
We get back to the hotel and chow down on some pizza and then head outside to smoke. We all heard this scrreeeeech sound and then a thud and then metal scraping the asphalt and look up and see that some poor car has run over the bicycle that Krystal, apparently, put down in the road. She doesn't remember putting it down in the road, I of course don't recall where she put it down, I just remember telling her to put it down. Now that I think about it, she may have put it down in front of a parked car and they might have just taken off from their location and run over it and started dragging it…in any case I feel certain that car sustained some damage and we went over the next morning to see the bike, still sitting there in the road, and it was completely TRASHED.
We got to bed about 4:00am. It was a fun filled night for sure! I am sure I will get more pictures of the night as soon as I track down who all had a camera!