I was just over reading one of the many blogs I read and was reminded of this story:
When I was in high school one of the fun things we did was go and toilet paper people’s houses/yards. Namely, teachers that we liked; which you think would be totally opposite, but the TP'ing was specifically reserved for those we loved the most!
It pains me to think about the amount of toilet paper we actually wasted, especially since I am stealing* toilet paper from the office at least twice a month because I would rather spend money to eat than money to wipe my ass.
The husband of the teacher who’s house we frequently “decorated” wasn’t as thrilled about this activity as the rest of us, but knew that his wife enjoyed being “chosen” and usually just smiled and let it be.
On one particular TP'ing adventure, there were six of us on this night, apparently one of the less experienced TP’ers decided to throw a roll up on the roof. COME ON PEOPLE! You NEVER throw it on the roof…roof sounds are the most audible in the house, as well as the most suspicious - everyone checks out roof noise!
So OF COURSE, we were totally busted, except said teacher didn’t let us know we were busted…oh no, no, no…they watched from the living room while we were outside trying to be all ninja like. Well, me, being particularly ninja, was all up in the bushes, tucking, rolling, taking cover…very stealth…and our teacher decided to fuck with us. So she turns on a small light inside, which of course sends us scattering like a bunch of cucarachas.
I, in particular, ended up under a bush under lighted window. When the light went out I did a half-roll stand-up move (that I learned watching James Bond) which then landed me next to their F-150. F-150’s are pretty hefty trucks and to a novice TP’er it is the perfect medium for their artwork! So I get to work…I am about halfway around the truck for the second time when the fucking alarm goes off. I lie to you not, I jumped straight up in the air, just like a cat, landed on my ass and did the roll that you do when you stop, drop and roll. I ended up under the truck. This is when we learned we were totally set up. Since her husband was particularly fond of picking on me (as I was particularly fond of trashing his yard with TP) he took great joy in pressing that panic button when he realized I was the one wrapping up the truck.
I can actually still hear his howling laughter in my head.
Those were the good ol days! I miss them.
And now for last nights karaoke review:
I do not think I have had that much fun a karaoke in my entire life!
I must preface this by saying that my boss man, Joe, lost a bet. He would correct me in saying that he just gave up the bet all together. Still, he lost.
The original bet was that he, Dave and Beverly
had to run 3 miles and drink 6 Stella pints and whoever could do it first, without puking, won. Well, Dave and Beverly are runners, Joe definitely is not. BUT, Joe can drink like no one I have ever met before in my life! Dave and Beverly aren’t too shabby in the drinking department either. The thing is Joe can chug a beer in about 1.3 seconds. I am really being serious. So technically Joe could have walked his 3 miles and then counted on his chugging ability to save him.
Anyway, none of that happened, so Joe looses and as the rules stated, he had to sing karaoke. Since I am awesome, I actually convinced the partners and associates to have this karaoke singing take place in our favorite gay bar, Blaine’s. I hooked them in with the all you can drink beer for $10. They are some suckers for beer.
Joe ended up singing “I Will Survive”, “No Woman, No Cry” and “Summer Lovin”. (Me and Joe actually sang “Summer Lovin” together…with him taking the girls part. It was a motherfuckin RIOT!)
Dave singing, Bobby and Beverly dancing
Me and Beverly singing
Me and Bobby Singing
Debbie (FOM - Former Office Mate) and John
Bobby and Angela (Dave in the back)
Joe, Steve and Dave
Frances and Locke
And for ONCE our theme was not boob grabbing...apparently it was peace.
And maybe one of these for the road
I think I was cheering on the chugging contest that was going on behind me. Whatever it was, I was totally into it!
*and by stealing, I mean with express permission from the Office Manager.
31 October 2008
I was just over reading one of the many blogs I read and was reminded of this story:
30 October 2008
To the people that just had an accident outside our office this morning: I am sorry about your cars. Total bummer. But Miss SCAD Student Lady, you should have totally been paying more attention to the speed of the vehicles coming down Drayton. They are faster than they seem. Looking twice saves lives and money on your car insurance! Oh, and to you Mr. Water Man, that was part of that accident, I hope you weren’t just at my house turning off my water, because I PROMISE I am going to pay that shit today.
To my roommate Bobby: I was going to go to sleep last night at 9:30…I was in bed with my PJ’s on and everything…and then you walked in from work with a beer and a smile and the next thing I knew it was 1:00 in the morning! I love our talks! I can’t remember what we talked about or what problems we solved, but boy, were we productive! Thanks for being such an awesome roomie! (too bad you don’t read my blog, you could totally be seeing all these sweet things I am saying about you!)
Once more to the Mr. Water Man: Thanks for not shutting off my water…I checked a little while ago and it was still on. I have now paid that extremely past due bill. Thanks for not cutting it off on the 23rd like your letter said, and would you PLEASE be so kind as to get online payments so I won’t forget to pay you next time. Kthxbye.
Lastly I would like to give a shout out to the considerate thief that broke into the Jeep last night. Thank you for not slashing the windows out, but taking the time to unzip the back window and crawl through the back of the Jeep to unlock the door. Thank you for not taking the radio, subwoofer and amps and I apologize for spilling my coke all over the change you did take. I know that had to be a nasty sticky mess for you. Next time, if you are so kind as to ask, I will be happy to give you my clean, not so sticky, spare change, or maybe even wash the change for you, so you don’t feel the need to put your nasty feet on my back seat and sling the paperwork in the door panels and glove compartment all over the place. Oh, and I hope the pens you took allow you to write a really awesome sign about how you are homeless. Also, please enjoy your bottle of Pinot Noir, which I can only assume that you have, because there really would be no other reason for you to steal a wine key unless you had a nice, relaxing glass of wine waiting on you when you got back to your home under the bridge.
25 October 2008
**WARNING: Approximately 100.2365874 pictures about to follow**
I can't say enough about family!
Yesterday I went to Jacksonville to visit my brother Joseph.
(I love how my head is all squished up in that picture)
He is actually stationed in Key West, but has a short tour in Jacksonville. Jax - 2 hour drive, Key West - a million hours.
The drive started out pretty rough as we drove through about 2 hours of hurricane winds and rain. OK, it wasn't REALLY a hurricane, but it was raining cats and dogs. The Jeep doesn't do so hot in that amount of water on the road.
We finally make it to Jax and meet up with my cousin Kristi (whom you may read about in the previous post) at our hotel.
After a brief fresh up we headed to Mayport to pick up the bro. That turned into an extra 30 minutes of trying to find him at a mall that I was certain did not exist. As Kristi said, "Don't you hate it when people say "You can't miss it!" and then you totally do?" We did eventually find him, met some of his hoes (he is one of those different girl every day of the week kinda guys. P.I.M.P. - just like his sis) and then made a bee-line for downtown Jax. Since the day he was expelled from our Mother's uterus, I have been looking forward to the boy turning 21. This weekend was FINALLY our weekend to toss one back together! (he has been 21 since July, but I haven't seen him since February of earlier this year)
We were trying to make it to this place called Metro. I was awesome enough to print off directions, but failed to realize that I MAY NOT be coming from the hotel...and indeed, I was coming from Mayport.
After taking a complete tour of downtown and the ghettos of Jax we finally had the genius idea to call the place and get directions. Needless to say, we FINALLY made it!
This was shortly after we had our first sip of our first beer.
Damn good lookin family if you ask me!
Not even 10 minutes after that picture was taken some girl OD'd on the dance floor...complete with puking up blood and convulsions. Joseph, being a certified nursing assistant and former firefighter was able to render first aid. I stayed with my beer watching for the first little bit, until I realized she had quit breathing and then went over to assist the bro with CPR. THANKFULLY, about the time I was getting ready to get on the floor, she coughed and puked up more blood. It was lovely. Her girlfriend/fiance was acting pretty odd considering the situation...she kept on trying to pick her girlfriend up off the floor when it was quite obvious she was very ill. I kept asking her girlfriend/fiance what she took and she kept insisting that she was only drinking. I TOTALLY understand not wanting to say that you OD'd on drugs and stuff (some of you that know me are laughing at this statement right now...and for those of you that don't know me, it isn't for reasons you think, however, it IS hilarious) SO, I hover over the girl on the dance floor helping hold her down during one of the million seizures she had and waited on the paramedics. NOW, I am not sure if they googled their directions from the wrong direction too, but it freakin took FOREVER (it seemed) for them to get there. They finally did...and according to the bar dude, she will live.
After that was over and I went and bleached my body from cooties, I was totally ready for some more drink! We decided to explore the place and came across a drag show!
(We met Reba)
(Joseph's face is tripping me out!)
We assisted the queens in their singing
And damn did we do good! (as you can tell from the pictures)
We also decided that this was the best way to give/accept tips. Don't worry, it didn't ACTUALLY touch anything in my mouth.
After that it was off to dance...
And discuss our dancing skills
And give high fives!
And pose with half naked people
Which naturally leads us to get partially naked
(Gotta remember to suck it in more)
Then we have our end of the night poses outside the club:
(We don't know this guy on the left...)
And then we sleep.
And I leave you with the inevitable boob grab picture