Welcome to Poop Talk!

Poop. It is a common subject of conversation 'round these parts. We had a VERY lengthy discussion Thursday night on our back porch about poop, specifically "sharting". It really should have been on video.

We were sharing stories of being in public places such as Wal-Mart and really getting the rumbly cramps where your poop says, "I MUST EXIT THE PREMISES NOW" and then you get the sweats and try to decide if you should go commit such a hate crime in a public bathroom. And god forbid there be people in there sharing the experience.

I have specific criteria for pooping. I prefer a bathroom fan, and it needs to give off that perfect amount of noise and a magazine, like Maxim, is ideal. Now, my poopie-doos [usually] last no longer than 30 seconds, therefore, a magazine like Maxim is perfect as it has short little tid bits of interesting information that I am able to digest in that 30 second time frame. I also need all people to be at LEAST 15 feet away from the door. There is just no way I am going to be able to commence proper pooping if you are standing outside my door and talking to me is out of the question. However, I am not opposed to texting while on the loo.

The names we come up for pooping are equally as interesting:

"Going to drop the kids off at the pool"

"Going to pinch a loaf"

"Going to sign some paperwork"

"Going to go and have my morning (mid-afternoon, evening) constitution"

Or the always safe and reliable:

"I am going to take a shit, you guys!"

Anypoo, I decided to find out WHY poop stinks. I had all kinds of ideas running through my head, like perhaps the food rots in your body cause it takes like 8 hours for food to process through. This seems to be somewhat true, but only in the sense that it is bacteria that causes poo poo to smell smell. The bacteria that is in our poo produces various compounds and gases that lead to "ohhhh that smelllll, can't you smell that smell?!?"

This is all according to the Poop Report, which is probably going to be my new favorite site to read.

And just so you know the poop of meat eaters usually smells worse than that of vegans. I don't know any vegans, so I can't compare my meat eating poop smell, but I would think that lovely grease filled burger I ate 8 hours ago WOULD probably smell worse than your carrot salad.

Continuing with this rambling...vegans. I mean, really? NO animal products? I don't mean to offend you if you are vegan, but you know, if you are vegan, it kinda comes with the territory that you are going to get someone (ME) that is going to chuck on your decision...though I would like to point out that I can dish it out AND take it...so bring it on punk!

And now back to your regularly scheduled ranting...so vegans.

I must say that I have already been rejected TWICE in my lifetime from giving blood because I was not ingesting enough iron in my diet. Ah, yes, you may say, Jess, you fool, you can get that from leafy greens such as spinach. Or perhaps you should holla at some raisins, prunes, figs and beans.

To you I say BLAH! What are you? My mother? I am not eating vegetables!! I don't like raisins and my Mom made me drink prune juice one time to dislodge some very stubborn poo poo from my intestines, so you can bet your booty hole I won't be getting near any prunes in THIS lifetime and as for figs, well, I only eat the Newton variety. And that is very rare. BEANS! Now we are talkin! Except then my rear end starts talkin and the people around me don't seem to get as much joy from the releases as I do.

So you know what? I am going to stick to beef, pork loin, oysters and clams...but you keep on keeping on and say hey to my girl Ellen Degeneres for me...her vegan self is looking MIGHTY h-o-t-t for 51! Hummm, maybe you crazies ARE on to something!