There are so many thing I miss out on by not having HBO, Showtime or all of those other smutty channels.
But never fear, Larkin has them.
My latest entertainment has been the show about The Bunny Ranch and then last night was a new one for me...A.C. Hookers. (Atlantic City Hookers)
For the most part I feel sad for these girls, but then I totally get over it after hearing their stories and realize they all made a choice to do this for whatever reason.
SO, there was this one particular hooker that had me CRACKING UP! Tia is her name.
She is the top ho of ho-dom. She had a very sad story of starting out when she was about 12 years old. She told her mom she sold candy at school and that is how she was making so much money. First of all, her mother was obviously and idiot. I am pretty fucking sure that I could not outsmart/lie convincingly to my Mother at the age of 12.
Any-ho, she was breaking down the life of being a hooker when she went on to say that she has "Seen some good bitches go down" And then proceeds to talk about how it is hard to rescue someone from the street cause she ain't "Captain Save-A-Ho".
I lost it! Captain Save-A-Ho!
Naturally, I thought of Captain Dumbass and I hitting the pavement...me being Captain Save-A-Ho, Captain Dumbass' trusty side trick. Yes, let that play on words sink in a little. FUNNY!
30 January 2009
There are so many thing I miss out on by not having HBO, Showtime or all of those other smutty channels.
29 January 2009
This is going to be an informative blog…
I am usually amazed by something on a daily basis. It really isn’t that difficult to amaze me…but all the same…amazement has been had today.
I have recently become quite infatuated with Google Street View. I have probably even Google Street Viewed your house. Oh, yes, YOU. I know where you be stayin!
OK, well, probably not, but I have been roaming the streets in various cities in the United States, but today I stayed closer to home…actually, I was right outside of my home.
This is my home. The one on the left.
I don’t know that guy on the cell phone.
And don’t even try and get all creepy and try and look in my windows, cause these pictures were taken before I moved in, thank you very much.
So then I got to thinking about how the hell Google does this. Well, the internet, as usual, is just a wealth of knowledge and if you want to know like I wanted to know, well you are just about to get a cranium full of 411 on the subject! If you already know, please exit this page and go about your all knowing life.
So Google got a gaggle of Chevy Cobalts (yes, I KNOW gaggle is for geese, but it was just fun to say, OK!) and they mounted these Cobalts with bombdiggity 360 cameras.
I see on the Internet where some people are having a freakin bitch fit about their privacy or something really retarded like that, but I say what the fuck ever heifer, cause strangers drive by you and your house everyday. AND if I saw one of those cars rolling down the street you best be believing this chick would fling herself in front of the camera. In a heartbeat.
I also would like to know who they hired for this task. How do you get a job like this?! How much fun would THAT be to drive up and down streets all day? Well, probably not that fun, BUT being in a new place all the time would be fun! And I am sure they get to stay and visit for a hot minute! Besides, get this, you get a cool job title: GeoImmersive Data Producer. If that won’t get you laid, I just don’t know what will buddy-roe.
According to the company, these are the requirements. I decided to go ahead and answer them in preparation for my interview.
* Have an interest or knowledge in GIS or cartography
Oh yeah, I totally do. Of course I have no idea what GIS stands for and I can’t even fathom what the hell cartography is, but SURE, I am totally interested!
* The ability to use a map
Well, DUH. I use Google Maps all the damn time. Ohhhhhh, wait, you mean one of those PAPER ones. Yes, well, I do have a Rand McNally from 2005. That should still work.
* Willingness to travel for extended period of time
Let’s see, so when you say extended we are talking like three days max, right?
* Operate within the defined budget (i.e. lodging and meals) for two people
Define “budget” for me. I see you mention lodging and meals and I assume when you say “lodging” you mean at the Hilton and when you say “meals” you mean the kind that are five courses long.
* Must be a results and service oriented self-starter
Well, I get great results when I self-service. (Ohhhhhhh, yeah, I went there….)
* A resourceful and creative problem solver
I usually resourcefully and creatively call someone and ask them.
* Detail oriented, a strong sense of urgency and very organized
You people are really tough! And I would suggest using a different term than “strong sense of urgency”. It will only make people think of those enlarged prostate commercials where the poor guy is never in any of his friend’s pictures because he is always experiencing a “strong sense of urgency”.
* Proficiency in MS-Office applications (MS Excel, PowerPoint, Word)
Yes. I am a child of the 80’s and therefore grew up with Microsoft. We are like thiiisssss.
* Effective time management in order to meet deadlines
I can only drive so fast buddy!
* Lots of initiative and energy
I think that is why God created coffee…so we are good to go there!
* Willingness to be a team player
Team PLAYA! Sure, I am willing.
* Valid Drivers License
Why, yes I do. And I quite like the picture for once!
The set up:
I have a cramped muscle in my lower shoulder from using the shovel to dig Mattaeo’s grave the other day. So I was using the corner of the door frame to dig into my back and massage out the horrific knot that has formed. It will loosen up and then when I sit down and type a little it cramps right back up again.
Larkin saw me doing this and this is how the conversation went:
Larkin: What are you doing?
Me: I have a cramp in my shoulder thingy area.
Larkin: Do you think you slept on it wrong?
Me: No, I think it has something to do with the shovel.
Larkin: Well, that is what you get for sleeping with shovels.
Me: Yeah, but I prefer to sleep with hoes.
Haaaaaaaa! We are here all week folks! It was so much more funny in person.
28 January 2009
Why I love living in the South, reason #5,984:
Today's high: 76, Tonight's low: 49
Tomorrow's high: 58 Tomorrow's low: 40
In a matter of 12 hours we can drop 27 degrees.
In one day, the difference between high temps can vary 18 degrees.
That's what's up. I am going to enjoy this 76 degree weather while I can!!
27 January 2009
Sickness. It put me out for three days. Naturally of those three days, two of them were my weekend. I totally caught up on TV watching though! I hate being sick.
Also, my hair does cool things when I lay on it for two days.
That is indeed my sick face, with my sick eyes with my sick flannel on. That is how I roll when I am sick. Flannel me up Scotty!
See how I am not skurd to put up horribly terrible looking pictures of myself? I figure if these are shown then no matter what pictures I put up, I will always look better than THAT!
So I mentioned that Bobby had to put down Mattaoe.
That actually didn't go down until this morning. Bobby (and Mattaoe) pulled through the weekend and though he was jumping around last night (he got out and played with his brother and sister and adopted brothers and sister) and was perky this morning, his tumor on his belly had grown significantly larger in the last week. The options were to wait until the tumor completely cut off his urinary tract, or to go ahead and face the inevitable. It was decided, and rightly so, I think, that he be put to sleep before facing any pain, which would have probably come within the week. The doctor agreed. We will be burying him tonight.
I am going to get back to sneezing now.
23 January 2009
FINALLY! A day where I don't feel like all my appendages are going to freeze and fall off! I can totally deal with this 65 degree weather. Temperatures in the teens is for the birds!
A few months ago I shared that we had to put down one of our ferrets, Dr. Binks, due to his failing health. Tomorrow, Bobby has scheduled to have one of his ferrets put to sleep. This is Mattaoe (pronounced Matt-tay-o):
Mattaoe is an old lil ferret. He was a rescue that a lady brought into Bobby's pet store. She said she found him in her back yard. He is approximately 5 years old. Ferrets have pretty short life spans, as far as animals go. 8 years old would be a REALLY old ferret.
Ferrets are prone to various diseases, namely adrenal disease. Mattaoe has a tumor that has wrapped around his urethra brought on by the adrenal disease that he is already suffering from.
Because ferrets are considered exotics, to put them through surgery is VERY straining on the budget. The removal of the tumor is $600 and to fix the adrenal disease he has is $500. It is a hard spot to be put in. None of us have this amount of money laying around and it is also important to note that fixing these issues would probably only prolong his life for 6 months to a year.
I hate seeing an animal go. I hate that we have to be the ones that make the call.
Keep Bobby in your thoughts as he goes though all this shit this weekend.
22 January 2009
I forgotted to mention that I dyed my hairs too.
When taking these photos, Larkin and I decided to go for a more of my natural setting, therefore you see me in the middle of chewing on some chips...but let's focus on the new color. It isn't what I was going for, but I do like it! It was supposed to be like white blonde, but something went wrong in the the middle of beer, watching TV and the hair dye party and it turned out a little bronze like.
As you can see, today's primary focus was NOT on actually styling my hair...today's focus was seeing if I could make it to work on time after waking up at 8:40. The answer is NO.
Case of beer (24 beers), two people (Me and Larkin) = 3 beers left, 2 clean cat boxes, 1 clean bird cage, followed by American Idol, Katie Morgan Sex Tips on HBO followed by Real Sex - Underwater on HBO. That was what I did last night...what did YOU do?
SO, Katie Morgan (if you have never seen it) does her entire show in the nude. I really think TV should be like this. I can pretty much tell you word for word what she said on that show...I can't do the same with that old lady from Canada, (Sue something something) though I did love her so.
You know what I love about women? Backs and stomachs. This picture right here:
Does wonders for me!!!
See that back crease...so, so, so crazy sexy. (can I get a high five Larkin?)
I like stomachs that are like this...
Abs are OK, but I prefer the softer look.
In reality, no one I know actually looks like this!
Instead, you get this:
Yep, that is me sexy dancin with my brother...who actually DOES have nice abs. He also got a tattoo...this is his first one. I think it turned out pretty nice!
Just wait till Mom finds out about THAT! Good thing he lives on a boat 700 miles away from her!
21 January 2009
You know how I am addicted to TLC, Discovery Health and The History Channel right?
Well, last night I came across some interesting shows…one of which was Freebirthing. Now if you have freebirthed or have opinions about it, feel free to share, but I promise I am going to stick to what I feel about this and that feeling is give me drugs and give me a hospital.
My Mom called me in the middle of me watching this show and the convo went:
Mom: Hey! What are you doing?
Me: Watching Freebirthing on TV.
Me: Yeah, people that give birth at home with no midwife, medication, medical treatment...
Mom: Are those people crazy?! Why would they do that?
Me: I am so with you on this Ma…
Mom: Did I ever tell you…
Me: Yes, you did Mom. You had us all naturally.
Mom: Yes, but not by choice. You know they just didn’t have drugs when you were born, Right? And then when I was supposed to get my epidural for your brother some guy came in that had been shot and OF COURSE the anesthesiologist had to go and give him some medicine. So rude. Didn’t they know I was having a baby?!?
Me: Yep, I remember. I was there ya know.
Mom: Well, those people are crazy…but I have a story for you…
[Commence 15 minute conversation reminiscing about my crazy childhood antics]
I had a kidney stone once. I cannot articulate how painful that was. I was fairly convinced that I was going to die from the pain. As I understand it, kidney stones are not so unlike natural childbirth. This is how I am quite certain that I will require all the medication possible when that time comes.
When we are unable to all be in the same room/house watching shows like American Idol I am usually texting (or sexting as we like to call it) with Larkin about said shows. Last night after no less than 60 text (sext) about the idiots on American Idol I instructed Larkin to turn her TV to the channel Freebirthing was on. We continued to discuss how abnormal we thought this was which then progressed into Larkin telling me she saw something on TV about a woman having an orgasm while giving birth. WTF.
If you care to watch, you can find it here.
There is something very strange about your being birthed child having the capability of giving you an orgasm. I understand (and it is explained in the video) that this pain is all happening in the same canal that pleasure can also derive, but ummm, all I can say is AWKWARD.
20 January 2009
Only a few things today...
First! Congratulations to our new President! No doubt this country will continue to be the great country that it has always been!
Second! One of the partners in the firm, and a good drinking buddy, is a celebrity! Perhaps the information he shares in this article can help you or someone you know!
Third! Tonight is another night of American Idol fuck ups and really, I live to see people embarrass the shit out of themselves!
19 January 2009
So it is after payday, so of course we had us some good times this weekend! We also added some new people to the crew! Us + Meeting New People = LOVE.
We started off the evening with some drinks and nachos from Moon River Brewery and then made our way to Bay Street Blues to sing!
Ivy is Larkin’s friend from back in the day. She is one of the ones that just started a new blog.
Bo just moved to Savannah and is staying with Billie.
Billie is a friend of a friend and also works at Moon River Brewery with that friend.
(Bobby’s friend Stephanie, who works at the pet store with Bobby on the weekends also works at Moon River with Billie.
Bobby and I met Billie on Thanksgiving when we were visiting Stephanie and then me, Bobby and Billie went to the club and we have been keeping in touch via text message.
Now Bo is here and living with Billie so we all decided to go out. Got that?)
At this particular bar you are permitted to write on the walls. We started looking around and discovered that we write on the walls there alot! These writings were from over a year ago.
This one says Brian and Jess and Krystal and Justin BFF 4 Eva and Eva Biatch. HA!
Krystal Hearts Larkin and Jess 2
We have our singing pictures
Our Smoochin Pictures
Then just random pictures...some are quite funny to me!
Towards the end of the night there was the extremely drunk, extremely weird dude that came our way. First he molested Bobby...
Then he drank all of our beer. Literally he snatched all of our beers at out of our hands and chugged them. This is me explaining, "Well, I had a beer like this...and then it was just gone!" And then of course an awesome picture of weird beer stealing guy:
This is Bo's reaction to his beer being drank:
Then strange man said that he would buy us some more beer, but upon requesting said beer he was told they would no longer be serving him due to his high intoxication level. He then proceeded to get kicked out of the bar, only to send in some unsuspecting patrons over to us, telling unsuspecting patrons that we were his friends and that he wanted us to come and get him back in. We declined.
I would like to send a shout out to all my peeps
This was the last picture taken that night...and I believe it is clear that we were at our limit.
But I must close with the boob grab...
So that was Friday night.
Saturday night we were invited out to the local gay club, Club One, by me, Krystal and Bobby's hairdresser dude, Tommy. Tommy was there with his boyfriend, Scott. It is unfortunate, but I did not bring my camera. Booooo on that.
BUT, the story that I have to tell here is that Tommy and Scott are friends with one of the drag queens there. This is Layla.
The drag queen's name in non-drag is Billy. (there are alot of B's in this story! Billy, Billie, Bobby and Bo's, yo!)
So Scott takes care of Billy's wig every four weeks. I was unaware, but wigs require alot of maintenance. Especially when that wig's hair is that high. Anyblah, Billy is a correctional officer at a youth detention center when not doing drag shows. To that I say, "Hummm, interesting." Because he scares the fuck out of me in drag, I can only imagine how huge he is when he is in correctional facility clothing.
The story, ok, ok, so during the show, this queen was doing her thang
when an apparently drunk and rude guest came up and tried to grab her boob? I am not really sure, but there was a haul back and a huge slap across said rude guest's face, followed by rude guest jumping up on stage chasing after Miss Kendall. I blinked my eyes and the next thing I knew Billy/Layla was on top of said perp like white on rice my friends. I have never seen anyone move so quick in heels. There was a take down off the stage, followed by a stern speaking to with finger in face included, followed by being kicked out of the club...but not BEFORE the contents of rude dude's drink was flung all over the still performing Miss Kendall. It was amazing. Best show I have seen yet.
I just can't quit writing this blog. In the middle of me writing I decided to go and look for some pictures that Scott had taken with his phone and I remembered that he said he had MySpace and I don't know if you know, but I have superior stalking, ummm, investigating skills, so I find Scott, find out he doesn't have pictures up of us, but then recall that Billy/Layla is his next door neighbor so I go and look to see if HE has a MySpace (whew, breathe, breathe) and OMG. Oh, my freakin, GAH.
This is Billy:
How fucking cute is HE?!?! I think the issue here is that I am used to seeing him in drag and it is more shocking to see him out of drag than in it. Now THAT is when you know times are changing.
EDIT! I forgot to mention before posting that I was given an award by Gathering Dust...thanks poodle!
I am unable to tag at the moment due to the fact that work would like me to...well, work, so I will try and tag soon!