Another Bar Fight'in Story

You know how when you go to the bar sometimes and these ninja assassins show up and you have to jump in front of their ninja stars to protect some elderly person that is just there for a night cap?

Totally happened to me. Got me right under the arm.

OR, it could be that I got my Implanon taken out. You can read about when I got it put in here.

So, I was uber excited for that thing to be implanted in me, but twentybagillion times happier to get it out. It did not work as expected. If you went and read about when I first had it put in the main purpose of it (obviously not birth control) was to aid in ovarian cyst reduction and the added benefit of not having a period for three years!

What I didn’t know is that the Implanon hates gay people. Instead of rejecting Mother Nature’s call, it called upon her three times a month. After month 6 I had enough, but didn’t have enough money to go get it taken back out. FINALLY, I was able to have it extracted Monday.

First of all, my new OB/GYN lady is FREAKIN AWESOME! As you ladies know, it is never a fun visit, but it sure as heck helps when you have a cool OB/GYN!

She numbed up my arm and made about an inch incision. I wasn’t able to watch the incision, but I watched her take that hemostat (which, btw, on TV, for the LONGEST time, I thought they were asking for a hemo STAT! Like, get me that hemo RIGHT NOW…*giggles*) and dig in my arm searching for the evil Implanon. That was pretty cool. It is such an odd feeling knowing that what she is doing is SUPPOSED to hurt, but there is absolutely no feeling.

Afterwards, she taped me up and sent me on my way. Unfortuneately, since I could not feel my arm, I decided to partake in one of my huge daily stretches (happens when I sit at the computer for a while) and realized that something wet was dripping into my armpit.

I started yelling in a very dramatic fashion, to my boss, “I am bleeding out! BLEEDING OUT! AHHH”

I had split open the incision again.

After attempting to play doctor (which you should know I watch A LOT of Trauma Life in the E.R., PLUS Grey’s Anatomy) and three Band-Aids later, I was unsuccessful at stopping the bleeding. Joe explained (since his parents ARE actually doctors) that I needed to go back for stitches since a hole of that size could easily get an infection.

SO, I went BACK to the doctor, upon which time she decided to throw a stitch in that bitch.

The GREATEST part was that she had me ASSIST in stitching! Of course, she asked if that was OK with me, to which I replied HELLS TO THE YEAH! So I got to hold the needle after she was done stitching while she made some knots and cut the string. Doesn’t sound as awesome in writing as it felt…but believe me, I was all Meredith Grey up in that shit!

After being healed, the doctor gave me her cell phone number in case I had issues after hours. HUGE awesome checkmark in her column for that move! Like you may be thinking now, I was thinking, “It is JUST a stitch…” but then realized she was just being the most awesome doctor ever and taking her Hippocratic Oath to the bomb diggity extreme and for that I heart her.

Upon leaving the offices the doctor yelled down to the nurses, much to my hilarity, “She’s gonna LIVE!!!” Everyone cheered and I giggled my ass all the way back to work.

I will update you with the massive bruising that will no doubt develop over the next few days.

Here is day one, after stitches. (The other picture was before stitches and semi-bleed out)