The 3 hours of sleep I think I got last night are slowly, but surely, fading. The upstairs neighbors decided to have a shin dig which lasted from approximately 7:00pm till around 4:30am. I banged on the ceiling, they got louder. I text them twice. I called the police. I went outside to collect myself around 3:45am and someone was pulling up into the parking lot...they were JUST getting to the party. I stopped them at the door and told them they HAD TO STOP. People HAVE to work in the morning, therefore, SLEEP is needed. He said he would, they got louder.
On top of all that, around 6:00 last night I received a call from my father that my Aunt (Mom's sister) had passed away. The most unfortunate part about this, well, maybe not the most, but certainly up there, is that she was house sitting for my Grandparents (Mom and Aunt's parents) and they came home and found her. It is theorized that she passed late on Tuesday as the Wednesday and Thursday papers had not been picked up.
My Grandmother and Grandfather are both in failing health, particularly my Grandmother, who has had three open heart surgeries and has a pacemaker. I can only imagine the stress of this situation. Having to find your child like that.
The G-rents stayed with my Mom and Dad last night. Dad, bravely and so unselfishly, went back to my Grandparents house and cleaned up, as well as helped the investigator and coroner with the items they needed. (All medications and other such belongings they need for investigative needs)
My Aunt has been in my life, most of my life, however, I wouldn't say we were particularly close. I was not upset to hear of her passing, sad of course, but I did not feel that feeling of devastation.
Since my family does not know of this blog, at least not to my knowledge, I feel it is OK to write to my blog family about the following things...
My Aunt, and much of my family, have problems with drugs and alcohol. Some with prescription drugs, some with street drugs, some both, all with various mixtures of alcohol. My Aunt has suffered from various addictions all of her life. Most, I would say, would be prescription pills and alcohol, coupled with depression and, in my opinion, a form of bi-polar disorder. She refused to take her depression medication and instead over medicated herself with her prescription pills. Those prescriptions were legitimately obtained due to multiple back surgeries and such.
The last time I saw my Aunt was about four weeks ago and she was the worst I had ever seen her. She was falling asleep in her food, falling asleep standing up, could not complete a sentence and was having hallucinations. At one point during the visit, she called me on my cell phone while she was standing outside the house. I thought maybe she was confused as to where she was, but apparently she had crawled inside one of the vehicles and wanted to leave. (She did not drive herself there) I went out and took her back inside and we went about the evening.
When she was leaving, I was assisting her out to the car, and she was holding a book and some tupperware in one arm and had her cane in the other. She suddenly started yelling that her arm was stuck, and upon investigation, realized that she THOUGHT her arm was stuck, but in reality it was just the book and tupperware she was holding in the crux of her arm to her chest. (Think of how we hold school books) For whatever reason her drugged out brain was telling her that her arm was stuck; it was sad.
All that is to say that this was an inevitable end, but I did not expect it so soon and so suddenly.
My Mother, Grandparents and two Uncles are understandably devastated. The two times I have attempted to speak to my Mom she was unable to talk for more than 10 seconds without crying uncontrollably. No doubt grief and sadness, but also guilt. Mom had pretty much cut her sister off in the last few months due to her addiction. She stopped giving her money, knowing it would either go towards more pills or booze and had stopped coming to pick her up to take her places. In my opinion, that is the right thing to do. However, she is going to continue to feel guilt. At a later time, when we can all sit and talk about this, I want to bring to her attention that at least it wasn't Mom's $10 that bought that last drink or pill. She will never have to wonder if it was her money or her driving her to the pharmacy that caused her death.
In reality, it would have never been that ONE pill or that ONE last drink, obviously our bodies don't give out so easy, but in actuality it has been all of these years that she didn't do what she could have to help herself. Those facts will still not relieve the guilt and sadness of losing a sister/daughter.
In a way I hope this helps other family members to see that their time COULD be near. My Aunt was in her early 50's. I hope that her other brothers, (my uncles) both with addictions, and one with a child who is a severe addict (and only 25) will see that if they continue on, this will be their fate as well.
So here is to my Aunt...Here is to being pain free, both physically and mentally, and most of all, here is to finally finding the happiness you have been searching for.
I love you.
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