My New Occupations

I am now a plumber, electrician and professional toilet paper holder hanger, which I am going to file under carpenter.

My plumbing career started when we noticed that the toilet in the guest bathroom had a slow drip under the tank part. Upon taking off the lid of the tank I noticed there are two bolts at the bottom that go through the bottom of the tank and attach to the back of the toilet.

Please see screws here:

So I say to myself, "Plumber Jess, I bet those little fucking screws that have a seal around them are leaking". Plumber Jess, being new to the game, figured what the hell...if they aren't the culprit, at least you can say you took apart a toilet once!

Except I couldn't get the fucktard of a toilet apart. Oh yeah, the screws came out JUST FINE...but I could NOT get the water supply connection undone. Also, upon removing the screws, the remaining cup of water that was left in the toilet spilled out everywhere.

Now you say, "Plumber Jess, why didn't you have a bucket or something?" And I will tell you, I DID! But the damn thing wouldn't fit back there and because we haven't washed dishes since we moved in (that story is later) I didn't have any small bowls to stick under there. The way I see it, the toilet water gave me a head start on cleaning the guest bathroom floor.

So I head to the Home Depot (where I may be known by name now) and picked up these:

I didn't need that black circle thing, but I did need those screws. I had Mr. Home Depot Man help me out. He was most awesome and took me right to the proper section, which was not in plumbing where I would have personally put these items.

I was confirming the order of things that go on the screw which goes: hold up screw, place shiny thing on, put black rubber thing on, place in hole down in tank, thread next rubber thing, shiny thing and then bolt. He laughed. Apparently it is called a WASHER and not a shiny thing. Technicality.

As I mentioned before, I couldn't get the toilet tank off. So threading these things with about an inch of space was REALLY difficult. See where this man, with really bad hair, hand is...

That was all the room I had to work with while threading on a WASHER, a GASKET and a BOLT. See, I learn. But I still think shiny thing, black thing and turning thing makes much more sense.

I wasn't able to lean down next to the toilet though. I was straddling that toilet so hard, reverse cowgirl, that even I had an inkling to set up a video camera to make my very own sex tape. But what would Reese Witherspoon say?

Needless to say, I got that fucker working. And please, never, ever put that blue shit in your toilet. When it leaks out it stains. When your fingers are trying to thread shiny, black and turning things it stains THEM blue. I am half Smurf today.

I also got all the toilet paper holders up (for whatever reason those were taken when the house was vacated). Never done that before, but with the help of my new drill

(yes, I bought it in green and with it's own purse to carry it in. And extra drill bits for wood and aluminum things)

I got those put up in no time.

Then I had to tackle the dishwasher.

Of note, when one purchases a Whirlpool DU1055XTVQ, please note that unless you order it FROM the warehouse, then it will NOT come with in installation kit. This kit is pretty much pointless, except that ONE, TINY little part that they tell you about on page 15 of the instructions. Yes, it is the adapter from the dishwasher for the drain hose. Important part. ONLY made by Whirlpool. No generic part for it anywhere. It only costs $6.00, but you have to have a dishwasher sitting in your kitchen for three days until the part arrives. Hence why I did not have a bowl to use for toilet tank water.

It is also of note that pages 1-14 are explaining, in great detail, how to remove old dishwasher to prepare for new dishwasher, so by the time you get to page 15, and are unable to move forward in installation, old dishwasher is torn the hell up from unscrewing 50.2 screws, un-wiring the sonofabitch and draining in the backyard. That just leaves you (or me) vacuuming in the blank hole where the old dishwasher used to be. I would eat off of that concrete. Now, THANKFULLY, I have a new dishwasher sitting in that pristinely cleaned spot.

I am just thrilled that I didn't flood the house and/or electrocute myself. Or blow up the dishwasher. So far, all I can tell is that the fill line is leaking a bit at the under sink connection. All I need is some Teflon tape (which I have!!!) and that should "seal the deal". Oh look at me...making plumber jokes.

Good lord.