29 April 2011
21 April 2011
This is Jessica’s Lesbian Handbook for the Newly Introduced.
Whether you decide to stay for a while, or venture on, there are a few rules you must know before proceeding into this world of beaver eaters, cherry pickers, dildo divers, finger artists, and vagitarians.
Please take a moment to become familiar with your welcome pamphlet and at the end, please feel free to ask any questions.
II. Types of Lesbians
You must become familiar with all sub-categories of lesbians. To name a few:
III. Picking Out A Lesbian
IV. Lesbian Stereotypes
19 April 2011
We have 42 days to get out of our current residence. Still waiting on figuring out funding. Stressful doesn't really begin to describe it! :)
I am not quite sure if asking for God to PLEASE let this house work out for us is a proper prayer, so mainly it has been going like this:
"God, it's me...you know what I am about to ask, so I am going to not necessarily ask that you help us out here cause that is like asking if you will please give us a million dollars, but then again, why do you ask us to pray if it isn't for things that we need...I mean, your dudes up in the pulpit say that we should ask for patience and the ability to handle things that come in life, but really, I just would like to have a place of our own, to call our own and to start making a life together and if I die of anxiety before then, that kinda ruins everything.
And so I would just like to ask you if you could possibly make me go to sleep for 42 days and when I wake up we will have a house of our own. And, as you can see and have known for some time, I don't deal well with disappointment, so I guess helping me deal with that, if it comes to that, would be awesome, but you know what would be even MORE awesome, God?
You know that lady Oprah? You do, she is like one of your most famous creations, but anyway, she has this thing she does where she gives out all kinds of fun stuff like cars and vacations, but you know what she hasn't done?!? Given away a HOUSE! So you could totally trump her on the house thing and be like, "BOO-YA Oprah! I gave a HOUSE to my girls!" You know how Oprah is, she will totally be like, "Ohhhhhhh NOOOOOOOOO YOUUUUU DIDN'TTTTT!" and then SHE will start giving out houses and that is called CHARITY, which I understand you are a BIG fan of. So as I see it, this is a win-win for everyone!
Anyway, as a back up plan, please don't let us be homeless with three cats and three ferrets in tow. And also, we would really like to get that house. Amen"
As of today, I have completely emptied out my savings as we are preparing to have to pay off some debts in order to get the debt to income ratio where it needs to be in order for them to fund our loan. I am trying to remain calm, but these are the things I am thinking about:
1) Spend entire life savings to pay off debts and the deal falls through for some reason. No house, no life savings.
2) Loss of our $1,000 in earnest money because we can't get loan funded in time.
3) Spend ALLLLLL this money trying to get things to closing and not have enough money to actually bring to closing.
4) Not having enough money for deposits to rent another place because we spent all our money trying to get into a house.
Wooooo-saaaaaahhhh. I need some yoga, meditation and a tranquilizer. And also, please do whatever you do when you REALLY want something...and send that my way.
12 April 2011
05 April 2011
There are actual signatures on actual black and white paper with actual earnest money. So that makes us OFFICIALLY under contract!
Closing Date needs to be moved up to middle of May