This Life Is Mine

Personal Phone Dictionary

2012-01-30T16:46:00.000-05:00

Every now and then it becomes quite necessary to go through your personalized dictionary on your phone. You know when it it time when you get texts like this:

"Be mindil of flirtatious Indians" (from Larkin)

Which was supposed to read:

"Be mindful of flirtations Indians"

Which by the way, has a great story attached to it, but is probably one of those things you had to be there to laugh at.

Yep, I have thought about it, you had to be there.

So as not to have FUBAR texts like Larkin, I cleared out my phone's dictionary.

Doing so really gives you insight into the hilarity of your texting life! Here is my dictionary as it stands now:

Abercorn

app

Arby

ass

bitch

Blogger

boobs**

boxer

Bro

camo

Congrats

Cookout

cuteness

dawgs

Deen

def

DeRenne

dern

Flintstones**

fuck

Fuck

fucking

gators

gmail

Gotcha

Heck

jiffy**

joss

karaoke**

KIA

kitter

Kiz

koozies**

Krystal

Larkin

LMAO

ma'am**

mugged

Netflix

Nevermind

nuff

Obama

Ohhh

Omg

Pimptastic**

Pinto**

pooping**

Rachelle

shit

shit!!!!!!**

shitty

Tailgate

twat**

UGA

Walgreens

XOXO

y'all**

I know that is a long list, but it is soooo ever telling of EXACTLY how my texting conversations go AND with the people I have them with. (Krystal, Larkin, Rachelle...)

That is all I have for you today...XOXO y'all!

**Favorites

Looks Professional...But It's Just My Phone

2012-01-13T11:15:00.003-05:00

A while back my friend Michelle introduced me to a free app called Little Photo. It makes cool pictures even cooler:

This was taken when me and Larkin were walking to our cars after work and looked up and noticed the pretty sun on an almost bare oak tree.

Have a GREAT weekend!!!

Wednesday!

2012-01-11T11:09:00.002-05:00

Nothing too crazy has been going on around these parts, therefore, that leaves me at a lull in blogging.So I will leave you with some of the crazy texts I get from my mother.Preface:Mom told me I really needed to see Second Hand Lions. I told her I would order on Netflix as soon as possible. I get a text a few hours later:

Mom: Did I say the move was Two Old Goats?

Me: No, Second Hand Lions.

Mom: Oh, that's it. No wonder I couldn't find it in Best Buy

While I am driving down the road last Friday, out of the blue, no preface here:

Mom: What is that butt issue you have that starts with an f?

Me: Fissure?

Mom: Yes. Thanks.

That's it...nothing else. Just a "normal" 6:00pm text from my mom.

Just to sum up, I don't actually have fissures, I have a completely different "butt issue" which is not near as interesting as fissures, which did, about 10 years ago, require that I get a colonoscopy. What I remember from that: horrible shit you have to drink, my butt cheeks falling asleep on the toilet from sitting there for hours on end and Demerol. Oh, how I love the Demerol.

Glad we cleared all that up.

Palate cleanser...my boss's new beagle puppies:

Good day my friends!

New Year! Again!

2012-01-03T10:21:00.003-05:00

This new Blogger layout is tripping me out. I can't find shit. But that always happens when something changes and then after you use the "new" way a few times you completely forget about how the old way was.

Anyway, you know how people say, "Damn, no wonder I am sick...this weather..." and it is a pretty common misconception that the weather causes you to get sick. I guess it is sorta kinda true...really, the weather is just a conduit for disease. Some bacteria/virus grows better in the cold/heat, whatever. So anyway, even though I know the weather itself doesn't make me sick, WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE.

You see that there?!? 24 degrees and in three days we will be back up to 72 degrees. My theory is that our viruses and bacteria can't figure out where to thrive, so they double up and we get the ones that thrive in cold AND in heat.

So yeah, we are pretty much done for. I JUST got over strep throat and that head/chest cold thing where you sound like a Waffle House waitress for a couple weeks. Waffle House waitress also can translate into Old Trucker Who Has Smoked for 20 Years. They both sound the same and I was sounding pretty righteous myself.

Christmas was good. The New Year was unproductive. Krystal and I made a fire in her bad ass fire pit she built a couple weeks ago.

Have I mentioned brother Joseph and wife are going to be stationed at Tybee in June? Did I mention he found a house that is one street over from me? Did I mention I am ECSTATIC about this news?!?!?

In other news, this is what I paid for gas two weeks ago:

Thank you Kroger Plus card! I am now back to paying $3.18 a gallon, but that one fill up was totally great.

I decided to cash in my Wal-Mart/Sam's gift cards from my birthday and Christmas. This resulted in 101 rolls of toilet paper from Sam's. Also, five toothpastes, eight toothbrushes, a GIGANTIC bottle of shampoo and about thirty rolls of paper towels. There is nothing in this world I hate more than buying those items...so I decided to take care of toothpaste and toothbrushes for a year and a half, shampoo should be good for at least a year and as far as toilet paper and paper towels, I expect that will only last us a week and a half. LOL!

Have a wonderful day today!!!

December Post!

2011-12-19T13:59:00.008-05:00

I realize it has been quite a while since I posted; for that, I apologize.

It has been completely hectic for two months. Hell, in just the last week it has been nuts!

A co-worker of mine went in a couple months ago to have a tumor removed from her brain. Was to be a fairly simple operation, but it has turned into two strokes and around 3 months in the hospital. They weren't even able to completely remove the entire tumor. It is going to be a long road of recovery for her, but I know she will pull through.

Last week, Krystal's mom was having sharp headache pains and after suffering with them for about three days, finally was convinced that she should have an MRI. They found that she had a stroke (albeit, an old one) and has some kind of enlarged artery thing in her head. She had surgery on Saturday and should be getting out of the hospital today. On top of all that news, she was also diagnosed with emphysema and lung disease. I guess they saw that when they were doing a head/chest MRI. Anyway, they are just wanting to fix the headaches for now.

In the meantime, we have been having some fun! We are still bowling on Thursdays and we also had an Ugly Christmas Sweater/Outfit Party and Larkin's birthday was this past weekend.

First, Ugly Christmas Sweater/Outfit Party:

Your eyes do not deceive you. We are wearing our Forever Lazy's. (P.S. Have I mentioned, NEVER order from that website...)

And then this weekend, we went over to Larkin and Paul's to celebrate with beer and fire...and Krystal was still wearing her Forever Lazy.

Want Something Yummy?

2011-11-23T09:21:00.002-05:00

This is my Mammy's famous clam dip. As read in previous posts, Mammy passed away in October, but thankfully she e-mailed me the recipe to her clam dip a year or two ago.

1 clove of garlic

2 tsp lemon juice

18 oz pkg cream cheese

1/2 tsp salt

1 1/2 tsp Worcestershire

A dash of pepper

1 6.5 oz can minced claims; drained or chopped claims drained

1/4 cup clam broth

Rub small mixing bowl well with garlic that has been cut in half

In bowl blend well remaining ingredients

If thinnner dip is desired, add more clam broth

Makes about 2 cups

Eat with a sturdy potato chip...we like the Lays Wavey chips.

Seriously, this dip is to die for. Mammy used to make two double batches and hide the second double batch so we would go slow on the first. It still didn't last more than 15 minutes.

I prefer the chopped clams cause finding that giant clam in the dip is equivalent to finding treasure! So if you want a chunkier dip, holla at those chopped clams instead of minced.

OhHiOhio!!

2011-11-10T16:45:00.004-05:00

SOOOOOOOO! I got my Forever Lazy(s).

I do NOT recant my previously stated opinion about the company that gives us the Forever Lazy. They are still a total scam.

What I will say is that they accidentally sent me FOUR (4) Forever Lazy's and FOUR (4) pairs of matching Forever Lazy socks. SCORE!

So they kinda make you look like a Teletubby, but MAN are they comfortable! We both slept in ours last night. I would recommend getting one or two of these whenever they get to Wal-Mart or CVS or where ever As Seen on TV things go when they are no longer seen on TV.

I also went to give blood yesterday, or as the Red Cross calls it, I went to be a hero. They will just butter you up any way they can to get you to come in there and bleed out for them. I saw yesterday that they have new computers and blood equipment and all kinds of new fancy things...including flesh eating bandaids:

OK, perhaps it isn't their fault. It appears that in the last five years or so I have contracted an allergy to adhesives. I loved Band-Aids as a kid. Is this like when your mom eats too much peanut butter when you were in her baby oven and now you have a nut allergy? Thank goodness I don't have a nut allergy...I love peanut butter too much; so I guess I should just be thankful it is just my flesh that is falling off.

21st Century!

2011-11-09T09:38:00.005-05:00

We finally did it! We made it to the 21st century...well, at least as far as alcohol goes. We can FINALLY purchase alcohol on Sundays in package stores.

The State of Georgia had originally brought up a bill that would just allow the entire State to sell on Sundays, but then those good ol Southern Baptists got their holy underwear in a wad and bitched and moaned until the State finally just said that each County would vote on it then.

Know what happened? Like 98.9% of the State of Georgia can now sell alcohol in stores on Sunday now. Know what that means? There are A LOT of Baptist drinkers in the closet.

Here is Chatham County's results for Package Alcohol Sales on Sunday:

Yes 12,532 60%

No 8,464 40%

Now, let us (not to be confused with lettuce) look at Tybee Island's results for Package Alcohol Sales on Sunday:

Yes 1,044 83%

No 211 17%

Bwahahhaha! OK, that might only be funny if you have ever BEEN to Tybee Island. That is the most drinkinest (real word) island I have EVER been on. I have never met a sober person that lived or visited Tybee. (Pronounced Tie-Bee, by the way) And as you can see by the votes, Tybee is a very small island. I am not sure who those 211 people are that were trying to be Debbie Downers, but I am sure they will be hunted down and flogged by the other Tybee locals.

Anyway, back to voting. So, as most of you were doing yesterday, there was a calling for new mayors and city counsel people all across our fair Country. As may be evident by the beginning of this post, the only thing I cared about in this local election was that there was alcohol being sold on Sundays in my grocery store, convenient store and package stores. The people up for election are so uninteresting, even if I was drunk, which is when I find even the most mundane things interesting, I would still be falling out from boredom.

So I just don't take part in it.

Best part of yesterday:

My voting location. A Baptist Church.

If I had time to go home and change into my Miller Lite swag I SO WOULD HAVE.

So I voted for Sunday liquor sales at a Baptist Church. OMG. The irony.

Full Weekend

2011-11-06T17:44:00.012-05:00

This weekend was non-stop! Saturday morning Krystal and I got up and headed downtown to see our friends Whitney and Michelle run in The Rock N Roll Marathon. Also running was my boss, his wife and some other people from the firm. This of course was followed by drinking in the firm parking lot immediately following the race. That was at 10:00am.

At about 3:00pm I sat down at one of our local bar spots, as two of our favorite radio personalities were coming into town - Lex and Terry They didn't actually get there until 9:00pm, and I consumed a lot of beer during that time. Apparently, so did Krystal...let's check out how many times it took Drunky McDrunk to get my picture with them...

Try 1.

Try 2.

Try 3.

Try 4.

Try 5.

Fifth time is a charm...and by that point I was giggling so much that my face is all squished and wonky.

I sure wasn't going to ask to re-take this one of Krystal...so she will just have to live with the blurry.

And THEN...on Sunday Krystal decided to rearrange the side of a Dodge Caravan with the front end of my car, stemming from her apparent hatred of green vans driven by pregnant women.

1998 Dodge Caravan...meet...

Front end of 2010 Kia Soul...

It was a classic case of trusting a blinker. The woman driving the van had her right blinker on, Krystal pulls out a bit and lady keeps going straight. Van lady now has a very long dent with various scratches highlighting the entire passenger side of her van. And they will not be using the passenger side sliding door anytime soon, as it has been temporarily bent shut.

Surely this lady was having pregnancy brain and forgot her blinker was on and surely there is some sort of fault on her there?!? What? No!!?? GAH! What is wrong with laws these days?!

Anyway, I anticipate my damages will be about $300.00, which I will just pay for out of pocket and I am thinking about $3,000.00 in damage to their van. We will see how close I get. Adjuster comes out today.

Don't EVER Order from https://www.orderforeverlazy.com/

2011-11-03T09:29:00.003-04:00

Seriously, I had to put that in the title so HOPEFULLY that gets picked up by all the search engines. I repeat...NEVER ORDER a Forever Lazy from https://www.orderforeverlazy.com/.

And here is why:

First off, I want to say, fair friends, that I am a HUGE fan of the onesie. I don't care who you are, you can seriously lick my ass. Even as 30 year old woman, I LOVE my onesies. I currently own three onesies, cause I know you were wondering. NONE OF THEM ARE FROM FOREVER LAZY.

Anywho, I saw a story for Forever Lazy on a reputable website (CNN of all places) and decided to check into it. The first site I checked did not have a secure website, so I passed. The second one, which is https://www.orderforeverlazy.com/ appeared to be what I needed.

After picking my two colors (as the site CLEARLY says buy one, get one free, pay $7.95 shipping) and filling in the information and card information, it takes you through a series of pages with things they want you to add on.

I am not an idiot and I know most of their money is made in shipping and handling by charging said shipping and handling on each added on item, even though they all ship together. This scam has been going on a long time.

What I DID have a problem with was once I got done with a dizzying amount of "add this to your order pages" it just jumped immediately to "Thanks! Your Order is Complete". FOR A GRAND TOTAL OF $91.00!

WHAT THE FUCK?!? NO confirm your order page. NO page that shows what the total is going to be before you hit submit. NOTHING.

On top of that, they didn't give me a buy one get one free, they charged me $29.99 for BOTH onsies and also $15.95 for shipping for BOTH onsies. LIVID.

Total scam. I got taken. That is why I am sharing my shame with you so you won't get taken either.

I called them immediately (Forever Lazy® P.O. Box 3179 Wallingford, CT 06494 Phone: 1-866-684-0473) and OF COURSE they have no record of my order and therefore cannot cancel or edit it. "It hasn't hit their system yet". The answer is to call back BEFORE 24 hours has passed because it will just automatically ship after that. You know when your order posts? About 3:00am. Sometime when you will NOT be near a phone or computer to catch it before it does.

They gave me a website: https://www.customerstatus.com/Default.aspx which they told me would allow me to cancel said order. I checked that motherfucker at LEAST 20 times before 12:00am; nothing. I called FOUR times to see if there was something on their end; nothing.

Actually, I got a hold of one lady that told me my order had been cancelled. I let her know that was fairly impossible as I had not asked for it to be cancelled yet, so I wasn't sure what she was looking at. She was quite insistent that it had and after further pressing, she finally read the name on the order that was cancelled (in February no less) and of course it wasn't mine. She was just looking up orders from my zip code. FUCKTARDS.

So IMMEDIATELY upon waking the next morning (7:30am) I checked the website again. It had posted, but there is NO WHERE on the site that you can edit it.

I immediately called and "Brian" told me there was just nothing he could do because OF COURSE it had "shipped".

Brian: "BUT!! There are two options Miss Jessica! When you receive it you can return it."

Me: "BUT, I don't want to pay that $30.00 in shipping. That is a majority of my complaint"

Brian: "OR I have a second option, I can waive $28.00 of that order and your total will be $60.00"

Me: "FINE"

LET ME TELL YOU, it was NOT fine. I am not FINE with being charged for both. I am not FINE with there not being a total and submit page. I am not FINE with them charging me EXTRA shipping and handling for the two free footies they throw in the order (without my consent). I am not FINE with their OBVIOUS scams.

And the kicker...

Brian: "Miss Jessica, this will be shipping out to you by the end of the week"

Me: "WAIT A SECOND!! I thought you said..." *click*

That's right people, duped again. Fucking thing hadn't shipped yet!!!!!!!!!!! That mother fucker lied his balls off. Actually, they all did. There is no reason in the world that there should be a delay from the time you order. There is no reason in the world they shouldn't be up front about things.

Greed.

SURE you can go through the process of disputing charges with your bank. SURE you can do a lot of things. But like me, you are probably pretty busy and unfortunately, by the end of the day, it just isn't worth my time to dispute the remaining $60.00. Yes, that is two cases of beer and a 12 pack, but damn. Having already had the run around with the asswipes at Forever Lazy answering service, how many people do you know who want to call their bank and go through it with them? Truth be told, I did call my bank, and they were nice, but can't do anything until AFTER the charge has been charged. THEN I can call back again and make a claim. SO not worth the $60.00.

OK, so kids, lesson here is just to buy all that "As Seen On TV" shit at CVS, Walgreens or Wal-Mart.

P.S. I still love my Snuggie. But Krystal's Mom gave us those.

P.P.S. I will do a review on my Forever Lazy onsies when they come. They better be awesome. $60.00 awesome.

Random Pictures

2011-10-31T15:42:00.014-04:00

Here is array of photos I came across that should be shared.

Party pictures:

What our house looks like after a party...

Beer tower for college football at The Wild Wing

What we drank at the firm on my birthday...

And this cute kid of my brother's that likes to yawn a lot...

Yep. Quite certain he is my brother's child.

Inappropriate for People of All Ages

2011-10-19T11:01:00.011-04:00

It is difficult to explain a picture like this:

(It is also difficult to explain that pajama choice of mine)

But I will try anyway.

So, Friday night, Krystal and I were watching the first season of The Walking Dead, when at a particularly tense moment we heard a small rustling outside. We were fairly sure it wasn't zombies, but decided to check. My car was being thoroughly molested by balloon penises, giant blow up boobs and a blow up sheep.

The sheep of course had an entrance...

It also bleated upon entry. Totally weird. But it is OK, me and the sheep just hugged after that:

See, we even had a beer together.

So I would like to thank, once again, Michelle, Whitney and Kyle a/k/a Frankie a/k/a Matt Damon a/k/a Watson for dropping by to sexually abuse my vehicle. We now have really awesome living room decorations!!

Why yes, this is a completely normal Friday night for us. Why do you ask?

And I Am Back!

2011-10-18T14:38:00.006-04:00

So, my Mammy is gone, it is still sad, but in tradition with our family values, we drank for two days straight and celebrated the life that she lived and the family that she produced. This was of course immediately followed by knock down blow out fights all around and with me sleeping on my aunt and uncle's couch due to over consumption of all of our lovely libations. Good times!!

There was some confusion on when Mammy was to be cremated, myself and everyone, except apparently my mother, thought that she was to be cremated right after the wake on Monday. Flash forward to me walking into the church on Tuesday for the funeral and they have her ass parked right at the door. I mean RIGHT AT THE DOOR. Who the hell just sticks a body at the doorway? It would be a perfect area for the pamphlets, but a body, not so much.

At the wake I successfully avoided having to go up and look at her. I am way OK with dead bodies, just not dead bodies of my family members.

Your family members? Totally...I would even linger a while to see if it looked like they were still breathing and also try and think back to all the Six Feet Under episodes I watched and remember all the really weird things they have to do to get a body ready...but MY family members, just can't.

I am glad no one was looking when I walked into the church though, cause I jumped back a couple feet.

Thankfully all I saw was her hair poof and the tip of her nose. I am sure Mammy got a good laugh out of that one!

So now it's back to reality where we all go without speaking to each other for a few months until we all meet around Thanksgiving or Christmas where we can pick up our drunken debauchery again. Looking forward to it!

In other news, my brother, his wife and my fresh nephew Icky should be moving to the Savannah area in May. I cannot tell you how excited I am about this possibility! Getting to see my first nephew (first anything!) grow up is amazing!

I haven't been out and about for a while. I can feel my body's wear from the month of going back and forth to Macon for births, family reunions and deaths. In a three week period I spent about $180.00 on gas and drove about 1,000 miles.

So lately the most exciting thing I have done is clean the garage and go to bed at 9:30. Don't worry though...I feel certain the need for a righteous party will be right around the corner.

1935 - 2011

2011-10-10T11:18:00.003-04:00

This past Friday, somewhat expectantly, my grandmother, Mammy, passed away. I don't really have the words or emotions to explain what a loss this is, so I pass on her obituary, in which I edited last names for a bit of privacy, though, I guess if you REALLY wanted to know, it isn't like obituaries are private or anything...

I love you, Mammy.

Born in Somerville, Massachusetts on Feb. 18, 1935

Departed on Oct. 7, 2011 and resided in Warner Robins, GA.

Mary Ann, 76, entered into rest on Friday, October 7, 2011.

Mary was born on February 18, 1935 in Somerville, Massachusetts. She proudly served her country in the United States Air Force during the Korean War. She was a retired Civil Service employee. Mary was a member of Sacred Heart Catholic Church and proudly reverently served as a Eucharistic Minister. She was a devoted mother, grandmother, great-grandmother, and sister. Her daughter, Donna; and parents, Joseph M. and Margaret Delaney, preceded her in death.

Her memory will forever be treasured by her husband of fifty-seven years, William "Bill"; children, Michael (Denise), David (Lisa), and Theresa (Derwin),; grandchildren, Mary, Natalie, Chad, Jessica, Joseph, Jacob, Jason, Jonathan, Dylan, and Brandi; great-grandchildren, Brittni and William; and brother, Donald, Virginia.

A Rosary will be held Monday, October 10, 2011 at 6:00 p.m. with visitation following until 8:00 p.m. at McCullough Funeral Home Chapel. The Funeral Mass will be celebrated at 11:00 a.m. on Tuesday, October 11, 2011, at Sacred Heart Catholic Church. Burial will be private. In lieu of flowers, the family respectfully suggests memorial donations be given to Sacred Heart Catholic Church Building Fund, 250 S. Davis Drive, Warner Robins, GA 31088.

Mammy with William "Icky" just two weeks ago

Hello New Decade!!!

2011-09-29T15:51:00.030-04:00

I am quite late on this post, but last Saturday was my 30th year of celebrating the extraction of my not so tiny 8lb 7oz body from my mother's birth canal.

I have been celebrating all month, and celebrated particularly hard on Friday the 23rd. I am sure I have mentioned it before, but my firm is incredibly good to me when it comes to supplying great beer and a good time! We killed about four cases of beer, AT THE FIRM, before deciding we should go and sing some karaoke. Needless to say, the ACTUAL day of my birth was greeted with a medium to hellabig hangover.

My plan for the day was to go watch one of our attorney's, who is in a band, play with his band down at one of the squares. It was not to take place until 4:00pm, which gave me plenty of time to ATTEMPT to work through the night before's transgressions.

In an effort to assist me in this endeavor, I consulted my friend Miller Lite, three of the 16oz variety. He assisted me in the best way he could, but I was still feeling as though I was in serious need of a couch. The band was WONDERFUL though!

Unbeknownst to me, a slurry of friends had gathered, across the street, at my favorite Mexican restaurant, where they surprised me with a magnificent 30th birthday party!! I must say, I do heart my friends so!

I made it till about 12:00am and then my body gave out. Of course, I powered through two gigantic beers at the restaurant, a couple more smaller Dos Equis and who knows how many shots and various other beers when we went to The Bar Bar afterwards.

I have no remembrance of getting home and THAT is how you bring in your 30th year!

Thanks guys! XOXO!!

(please keep in mind that I had no idea we were going out, so I am in NO way dressed appropriately and in addition to that...it started to rain, so we are soaked when we first arrived)

The most magnificent rice krispie mustache and rice krispie cake you have ever seen...the middle layer of the rice krispie cake was Nutella. RIGHT?! GET THE FUCK OUT! How tasty is THAT! Thanks so much Michelle, Whitney and KK!

Krystal was quite pleased with the amount of bling I was required to put on.

Our friend Terri and Kristin

Michelle

Dave, Nelli and Michelle

Larkin and Whitney

LOL! I love that girl...

Mexican birthday requirement...the hat...

...and the tequila shot...

...which I do not care for tequila...

My boss Joe and Larkin

Can one really carry on a serious conversation in a hat like that?

It appears I attempted to...

He Has Arivin!

2011-09-20T12:20:00.002-04:00

My precious little nephew William is here!!! Poor thing has, what I shall call pelvic face,(red ring around his face)(so much better than vagina face) from sitting down in that birth canal for so long.

He was delivered by c-section after his mother sat in labor for over 24 hours. I am sure both are equally as happy for this to be over and done with!

8lb 7oz and apparently GIGANTIC...look how LONG he is!!!!!!

Work Ride

2011-09-20T09:52:00.007-04:00

(We are still waiting on that baby to be born...I was under the impression that once they broke your water they didn't let you sit for very long...but it has been over 24 hours now...I am told he will be here by 12:00 today though)

So I was driving to work this morning and in a rare moment, actually paid attention to one of the billboards...glad I did:

If you can't read it:

"To my husband Paul Pusha I miss you so much! I luv u! I'm sorry. Please forgive me? Luv your wife Ericka Pusha."

I don't know what Ericka did...other than it is obvious her parents didn't love her enough to spell Erica right, unless YOUR name is Ericka, and then I am TOTALLY just kidding...probably.

That billboard borders Hunter Army Base, so if I had to guess, she cheated on her husband while he was deployed. OR maybe she just didn't get him that beer fast enough...

Speaking of...not beer...speaking of military..."Don't Ask, Don't Tell" officially went bye bye today. Isn't that interesting! I guess people are going to have to come up with another excuse to get out of the military now!

Icky Day!

2011-09-19T11:51:00.003-04:00

At this current moment my sister in law, Ana, is at 4cm and still has a smile on her face...today is the day little William comes into the world. She is very aware that 4cm ain't nothing...so smile while you can, girl!

Good luck, Ana! Can't wait to be an Aunt for the very first time! (And I am sure you are pretty excited about being a first time Mom!)

Hopefully I will be given the clear to head up there (three hours away) today, but if not, then tomorrow. I am pretty certain I will take 500,000,000,000.0000000003245876523668774 pictures and will be sharing them with you all!

Almost Done!

2011-09-09T10:41:00.003-04:00

My brother's baby boy, William, aka Icky, is almost done cooking! Due date is in three weeks, but since he is almost at 8lbs already, I see him coming a bit sooner!

I know Ana is ready!!

Journey: Part III

2011-09-08T14:22:00.028-04:00

We leave New Jersey and make the semi-short drive to Gettysburg, Pennsylvania where we get to our hotel. The Travel Lodge of Gettysburg. I have never stayed at a Travel Lodge, but this place was pretty nice!

Our hotel room was right next to the lobby, so it was easy to get breakfast, ice and also extend our stay another night. Ah, did I mention that hurricane was right on our ass? It was. By the time we got to Gettysburg they were evacuating New York, Washington D.C. and the Jersey Shore. Our trip was supposed to end in Washington D.C., but since we didn't want to float or get blown away, we decided Gettysburg would be our final stop.

Good decision too!

What a great town! We met nice people, smoked a cigar, drank 1.2 bazillion beers (fantastic front porch action at the hotel) and watched the hurricane come and go! AND, we had wonderful tours! They have a CD that you can buy at the visitors center for around $20.00, you pop it in your CD player in your car and it tells you exactly where to drive and what happened at each battlefield and/or place you were at. Takes about 3 hours to finish the tour. Totally worth it!

On our last night there we decided to walk over to one of the battlefields that was directly across from our hotel. Image, please:

That black line represents the path we took. Even though you can't tell from the picture, the landscape is SUPER hilly.

Did I mention it was about midnight when we did this? And that we had just put the finishing touches on a 30 pack of Miller Lite, coupled with a couple shots from the bar a little ways down the road?

So we decided that it would be a great time to take pictures...so the four of us just started walking in the pitch black taking pictures every few seconds. Near the end of our adventure and somewhere in the middle of all that scribble up there in that picture, I snapped this shot (click to enlarge):

It might be difficult to see on the computer screen, but it was clear as day on my camera screen, so I will make it clearer for you by changing the contrast of the photo:

Oh yeah. Crazy shit.

I have decided to name him General Chas, as it appeared every other person that fought in the Civil War was named Chas.

Here are some other non-ghost pictures from Gettysburg:

This cannon is looking down on the battlefield where I got the ghost picture. Pretty much pointing exactly where I took the picture down in the valley area.

Watching the hurricane come in

Jimmy

Day after the hurricane came by...BEAUTIFUL!

Me and Krystal...bad lighting!

Theresa

My hat is on backwards because there were still 60mph gusts of wind coming through from the hurricane. I almost lost my hat multiple times that day!

Bullet hole in a rock...bullet still in there

Pennsylvania Civil War Memorial...where half the people on the plates that surround the monument are named Chas.

Oddities

2011-09-06T11:16:00.005-04:00

I think we have all seen those odd auto fill in things on Google...for instance...I just did one:

Why can't I own a Canadian?!? Well, I can tell you! TAXES! You think the "free" healthcare doesn't come with a price! I tell ya, it does! Could you imagine the taxes to OWN a Canadian.

As far as why you can't get wet...well, turn on the hose, silly.

All that was to bring us to MY blog keywords. Here are the popular ones of the day:

CLEARLY Bengal kitties are the cutest thing that ever existed! BUT!! My daughter has a dick?!? TWICE????! Is there some kind of epidemic I need to know about? Thank goodness someone was being sensible out there and Googled "squirrel poop".

Journey Continuation

2011-09-02T08:59:00.016-04:00

I forgot to mention yesterday, but it is my muthafucking birthday MONTH! This year it is the big three ohhhhhhh and I am totally looking forward to doing what I did for my two nine and two eight and two seven...get drunk and screw! Wait, no, it was get drunk and SING! Beer, karaoke, strippers, strippers that are singing karaoke! That would be awesome. So, in celebration of my birthday month, I encourage you to have a drink for me! :)

The morning after our fabulous visit in Coventry, Rhode Island we headed the four or so hours to Jackson, New Jersey. Home of Six Flags of New Jersey. I must preface this by saying that all of my travel companions, Krystal included, are approximately 4-5 years younger than myself. I never thought that the age difference would get in the way, but I tell you, I have now experienced it. Roller Coasters. I have never been a HUGE fan, but enjoyed many a day in my youth at amusement parks. Upon entering this amusement park, I had quickly determined, from the parking lot, which rides I would NOT be partaking in.

This one was at the top of the list:

I give a hearty HELL. TO. THE. NAW.

As an aside, I recommend getting the Flash Passes. WAY better than waiting in line. You just zip right to the front and hop on, all while giving those suckers in line a shit eatin grin. Good times.

So we meet up with Jimmy and Theresa. Theresa is a friend of Krystal's from high school...Jimmy is Theresa's husband. We went to their wedding a hot minute ago...

(Have I mentioned the amazing ta-ta's my girl has?!)

OK, all caught up?

So, we meet up with Jimmy and Theresa and hop on our first ride, The Green Lantern. This is a stand up roller coaster. This coaster is also incredibly LONG. The first minute I was OK, it was the last 30 seconds that I was really wanting the ride to be over. It was just an over all painful experience. What ever happened to that funny feeling in your tummy being FUN? It HURT! So, that was the ONLY ride I rode. Well, I rode The Mine Train. It is a kids ride and will also beat the shit out of you. SO, in sum up, future Jess will drink the beer and eat the horribly good foods when visiting amusement parks.

BUT! There is MORE!

There is a drive thru Safari!! What?!? GET OUT! RIGHT!!! You get to drive your own car through a series of areas where there are all kinds of bad ass, fun, awesome creatureness!

Look to the back...I am pretty sure those two 'roos in the back are getting their freak on. Blow jobs while kids are around! Shameful!

BABY ZEBRA!! SO CUTE!!

We finished up the day at Six Flags around 8:00, exhausted from a day of driving, riding and walking. We went out in a nearby town for a few beverages and then laid it on down to rest around 12:00am in order to prepare for our drive to Gettysburg, Pennsylvania the next day.

Blip

2011-09-01T13:12:00.007-04:00

I will continue the vacation story tomorrow because I found THIS in my driveway yesterday:

I am going to have to ask you to click on those pictures to really understand the magnitude of this creature.

I thought it was an alligator in our yard at first. An then decided it was a dragon. And then peeled myself from my car and followed it around the yard taking pictures of it. And then realizing that it was a monitor. BUT, I didn't know if they bit or lashed their giant scaly tails...so I watched it crawl into the next door neighbors palm.

I decided to post on Craigslist lost/found ads, as it is apparent that this is someone's pet. You may read that here.

Our Journey!

2011-08-31T15:32:00.008-04:00

I actually thought our adventures were going to be WAY more journeytastic with that bitch Irene on our ass, but as it turns out, she didn't ruin much for us. We didn't get to go to D.C., but making the decision to stay in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania was probably a better idea anyway! What a great town! I am getting ahead of myself though...

Krystal and I left on Wednesday, August 24th at 6:00pm (I felt like I was just announcing the birth of a baby) and set out to drive as far as we could. Our destination: Rhode Island. We made it to Richmond, Virginia around 1:10am, apparently right as another earthquake was hitting, but I didn't feel a damn thing. Maybe I did and was way to jacked up on coffee to know if it was my coffee jitters or the earth crumbling beneath me. Eh. So, we got about five hours of sleep and hit the road the next morning around 6:00am.

Things were going pretty swell until we hit New York, which for no reason that I could discern, (it was the middle of the day on a Thursday) was highly congested with traffic heading north. One would think that maybe people were evacuating, but if they were 1) they were doing it about 3 days early and 2) they were going the wrong direction. So, we stayed at a pretty steady 45 mph speed allllllll they way to Connecticut. So what was intended to be a 7 hour drive took us about 12 hours. It isn't really that bothersome...especially since we were at the beginning of our trip and we both enjoy travelling...however, I was a little worried that we were holding our friends in Rhode Island up.

Our friends in Rhode Island...Rachelle and Gary. Actually, this is the first time I have ever met Gary and only the second time I have met Rachelle, but Rachelle and I have "known" each other for 12 years. TWELVE FUCKING YEARS! We "met" many moons ago when I somehow came across her blog (now defunct), which was absolutely hilarious, and started making comments. I would imagine many of you are not new to making friends on blogs, but this was in the rudimentary years of blogging, so I say that makes it extra special. I have not a clue how we continued to stay in contact. After Rachelle quit blogging I think was around the time Facebook was making an appearance and perhaps we became friends there? Who knows.

All the same, we finally got to sit down and have some drinks (get drunk) and talk about how bombtastic we are, shoot some pool, meet her husband Gary, meet her kids, step kid and grandkid. OH and she totally made us grilled cheese sandwiches after we decided to leave the bar and head to their house.

I have to say, it is odd to meet someone after so long, knowing all that we know about each other, the good, the bad, the if-you-ever-tell-anyone-about-that-one-time-I-told-you-about-that-thing-I-will-kill-you, the now I know you are REALLY a REAL person...all of it...very strange and yet really great! At one point in the evening, when things were getting a bit interesting with the conversation and the people meeting, I turned to Rachelle and said, "We know wayyyyy to much shit about each other!" She laughed and said that she was having to edit some of her conversations regarding information we have discussed in the past. Information that we probably never thought we would HAVE to edit out of a conversation as our friendship wasn't based on the intention that we would meet one day. However, keeping such awesome apart wasn't meant to be and we have now broken the barrier and hopefully there will be another visit very soon!

Behold, amazingness:

More adventures to come tomorrow!

Real Quick...

2011-08-23T13:54:00.005-04:00

Been pretty damn busy lately...as usual really! So I am going to hand you off to another blog to read, but don't worry, it is all about me, which is what every blog should be about. HA!

You can go here to read about Kat's visit. EPIC.

Speaking of EPIC, we had Bobby's going away party this weekend. I think I forgot to mention that Bobby is leaving. HEY GUYS! Bobby is leaving Savannah! He got his own store in Fayetteville, North Carolina (not to be confused with Fayetteville, Georgia, Fayetteville, Kentucky, Fayetteville, Arkansas, Fayetteville, New York or Fayetteville, Tennessee. Apparently every time he said he was moving to Fayetteville, another State came up. i.e "OH! You are moving to Fayetteville, New York!?")

Anyboo, Bobby got his own pet store up there. Not Pet Smart. Another pet store chain that he has worked for for almost 6 years, that is much more awesome than Pet Smart.

All I know about the party is that I went to bed at 4:00am, someone burned a hole in my couch, spilled a beer on the carpet, two people puked in my bathrooms (one of them was Krystal, so it is OK if she pukes in her own toilet), one person passed out in my guest room and someone decided it was OK to forego the bottle opener and open their beer bottles on my counter top, which resulted in chunks of counter top being taken out. Not awesome. HOWEVER, it IS indicative of a REALLY fun party! Hopefully the damages will be paid for by the offenders. I know who they are...not a friend of mine, so I won't hesitate to cut a bitch if I have to!

Somewhere there are pictures of this event...I will track them down.

Second order of business is that there is a category three hurricane heading towards Savannah. Soooo, I am leaving. Well, not cause of the hurricane, I am actually totally bummed that I am missing it. We already had our New England trip planned. I will be leaving tomorrow after work and will be back before September!

Love you all! XOXO!

Weekend Review!

2011-08-01T10:31:00.016-04:00

The weekend started on Friday at 7:00pm when myself, Krystal, Michelle and Whitney began our 4 hour trek to Atlanta. The purpose of our trip: 311 and Sublime w/ Rome concert! Michelle has been a LONG TIME fan of 311 and was kind enough to invite Krystal and I along to see the wonderment!

We woke up on Saturday morning and went to Flip Burger Boutique where I had one of the most divine burgers of my life! Seriously delicious.

We then went to Taco Mac to pre-game! Very important part of concert going, especially since the beers are $11.00 a piece at the concert. Taco Mac has an AMAZING assortment of beer. Basically the place should be called "Heaven".

Whitney at Taco Mac

Krystal at Taco Mac

On the way to the concert:

We arrived at the venue in a timely fashion...along with approximately 10,000 of our closest friends. Michelle, being the shittastic friend she is opted for VIP parking WITH VIP passes. I must say, after going to a concert where you get VIP parking and your very own air conditioned building, with couches, with your own nice, clean bathrooms, two bars of your very own AND a patio area, I am not sure I will ever go to a concert again where I get regular tickets! TOTALLY WORTH IT!

VIP Lounge

After partying it up VIP style for a while, we made our way over to see some Sublime w/ Rome. I have to admit I have not kept up with either band for some time. 311's album, the blue one, came out in 1995, when I was 14 years old. This was prime music time in my life. It is around the time when the almighty Collective Soul entered my ear canal. Sublime is the same; they were hot in 1996. And what I was getting at is that when I heard Sublime w/ Rome, I totally thought that Rome was another band. It is the name of the new lead singer.

Anywho, Krystal is a big fan of Sublime and I have to say, they were QUITE good!

Me and Krystal's seat...oh, did I mention that Michelle (mostawesomebitchEVER) got me and Krystal seats 7 (SEVEN) rows back from the stage?!? My camera phone chose to focus on the person's head in front of me instead of the stage, but I think you can grasp the awesomeness of being so close.

From Michelle and Whitney's seats...they too had REALLY good seats!

311 took stage shortly after Sublime and put on a FANTASTIC show!

Of note, there is an INSANE amount of weed smoking that close to the stage. My contact high was nice though. By the end of the concert I was in dire need of a blueberry muffin. All in all though, I will most CERTAINLY be attending another 311 concert!

After the concert we decided to go to the Clermont Lounge.

There are absolutely NO WORDS that can describe this experience. It is something you need to see once...and only once.

The Clermont is Atlanta's oldest strip club...in more ways than one. It is located in the basement of an abandoned (most likely condemned) high rise hotel. It is where strippers go to die. The average age of the strippers there was 55 years old.

Upon entering this fine establishment *cough* we were greeted by a stripper, around the age of 35, with multiple tattoos, one of which was of a mustache above her cho-cha. Immediately following this vision, a lady who most certainly could have been my grandmother, hopped up on stage and began her strip show. Being the classy joint they are, they only serve canned beer and being the classy broad I am, I had my koozie in my back pocket...so beer n koozie in hand, we make our way to a dark corner of the club to see the action. I seriously do not know how to describe the visions of the night.

This is one of the strippers:

Her specialty? Crushing beer cans between her boobs.

They also have Amputee Wednesday. And moving on.

The next day we went to one of my favorite spots, The Vortex. The Vortex is known for its interesting art...

...and also known for its unique burgers. (By the weekend end we were totally burgered out!) I had the mushroom and bleu cheese burger, Michelle had the buffalo and bleu cheese burger, Whitney went with a regular burger and Krystal won for most creative and went for the Elvis burger, which, as you may have guessed, had peanut butter and bananas on it. I see you with your squished up face, but let me tell you, it was REALLY GOOD! I was impressed how well those flavors go together!!

We eventually had to leave Atlanta and make the ride back home. *sigh* My face still hurts from laughing and at one point I think I quit breathing I was laughing so hard!

At one point we were considering calling Dr. Jenn (some lady with a sex and love show on Sirius Satellite) and telling her that we were all in a quad polyamorous relationship, but that one of the quad wanted to get a sex change and the rest were not comfortable with having a man in the house and wanted to know what we should do about it. OK, the ride is four hours long people, things get a little stir crazy...but I am still laughing about it right now!!!

Until next time...

(P.S. Kat is coming to see us this weekend...!! PREPARE!!)

We Are Funny People. Maybe.

2011-07-22T13:51:00.009-04:00

I posted a while back about a post I saw on Failbook.

I find speaking like a snooty white person about gangster activities to be quite hilarious!

Michelle and I decided to have our own conversation today:

Michelle: We will get this shit on lock down. Fo sho.

Me: Cause we gangsta!

Michelle: Word to that!

Me: I say we all run outside, throw our index and pinky fingers to the sky above and scream loudly about our astonishing gangster abilities

Michelle: Word to thine mother, then we man jostle our bottom ends and release it like its of an extremely hot temperature.

Me: Your bumping idea intrigues me greatly! We should also include some subject matter relating to female dogs and prostitutes. I feel as though our gathering will become exponentially epic.

Michelle: We should also consider the idea of acquiring some beverages of the malted variety in the grandest container that can be found in the local market place.

Me: I have often heard bedazzling said beverage container commonly portrays that one has an uncharacteristic amount of currency. Though this portrayal is a complete falsehood, I believe we would rather enjoy the fantasy!

Michelle: I have also heard a tale about an enchanting recreational event that includes electronic replicas of instruments and a screen upon which to watch the music.

Me: I concur. There have been many a narratives about this type of goings-on. I believe I have found myself drawn in copious amounts of times. I have established that my body involuntarily gyrates when I am in attendance of such proceedings.

Michelle: I have had strange occurrences where I am out with some people I hold in high esteem, enjoying some frosty cold beverages and the next daylight brings unfathomable head pains and these images end up in my photographic device of which I do not remember.

Me: I do hope that it is not a head pain that requires a physician’s assistance! Visiting infirmaries can damper the spirit in ways that is unfathomable. I am intrigued by these comrades that you have been enjoying adult barley beverages with. They sound utterly captivating! Your photographic machine no doubt produces some amusing poses portraying the evening’s finer moments.

Verdict and How To Preserve a Car

2011-07-18T12:32:00.017-04:00

I would like to thank everyone who commented on the last post...I submitted each recommendation. Our suggestions were not accepted. Eh.

Upon joining our friends Theresa and Jimmy in an unknown location at this time, we will be heading to Six Flags, New Jersey. I am unaware if my almost 30 year old body is capable of riding roller coasters still, but I sure am going to give it a go! Over the years I have been able to check off my list of rides I CANNOT ride.

Backwards = Barf

Round and round and round in circles = Barf

Last I remember, I was able to handle upside down, as long as we continue to move forward in a fluid motion.

After conquering rides that include flame throwers and an auger of doom (no, really) we will be heading to Gettysburg, Pennsylvania where some kind of important battle or something happened and also where Geddy Lee got his name. Totally fucking with you on both accounts. We wanted to peep the Gettysburg because of its haunted nature. Nothing like a good ghost tour!!

It seems like we are going somewhere else...Washington D.C. maybe? Hell, I can't remember. I just drive the damn car and go where I am told. Anywho, should be a lovely vacation!

You know how I have mentioned that our friends are HYSTERICAL? Like, funny ass fucking hilarious people. Also, they like to fuck with your cars at 1:30 in the morning on Saturdays.

Yeah, that last picture is of me "planking" my car. I don't think we have that planking concept down.

Yes, those are Post-It's on my windshield (which say some variance of "I love your nuts". Yes, that is FOUR rolls of saran wrap. YES, that says, "I Love Nuts" with plastic forks.

I would like to thank Michelle, Whitney and Kyle a/k/a Frank a/k/a Matt Damon a/k/a Watson for the magnificent gift you bestowed upon us. Just wait till you see your payback.

OH, I should probably mention that I totally BUSTED these mattressbacks because they got all greedy after finishing the deed and I saw break lights...which at 1:30am is strange...flipped on our porch light and I think perhaps if roaches had facial expressions (and drove a Ford SUV), that is exactly the face they would have when lights come on! Mouths agape, Whitney SLAMMED on the gas and that little four cylinder did all it could to get out of there; but not before I got to yell "BUSTED!!!!!"

So they came back so we could take pictures.

Good times, you guys...good times!

Blog World...I Employ You!

2011-07-14T16:31:00.005-04:00

Hello kids!!

We had a pretty elaborate trip planned out since last year to go camping in Rhode Island. Turns out camping is SUPER popular on the dates we want to go and we can't find what we want! (Beach/Some kind of water/electricity/bathrooms)

We were totally going to camp in a tent, but this girl needs a place to poop that isn't referred to as an outhouse or toilet pit. I have done some rustic camping before, but it was also before my drinking days and I don't want to get drunk and impale myself on a stick while squatting in the woods. I can see it happening.

SO, now we must make plans to go somewhere. Where should we go?!?

Rules: Needs to be above Kentucky, to the right of Missouri and Iowa and not Wisconsin or Minnesota. OH, and in the United States. (sorry, Sunshine...SOOON! I PROMISE!!!)

I have a good idea what most of you will say...but let's give this a whirl!

GO!

We Survived!

2011-07-11T10:43:00.009-04:00

This weekend was indeed EPIC.

I don't even know where to start, but I can tell you the party ended with me sitting in the pool, completely clothed in a Serape and leopard stretch pants, WITH MY SHOES ON, drinking 16oz Miller Lites (we floated the keg) until 1:00am.

Soooooo....here are a few pictures. Mostly taken from Michelle's photos, so that is why they seem to have the same people in them...hopefully there will be some more pictures from other people soon! There were approximately 40 guests throughout the day.

Picked up the keg...strapped her in for safety sake!

Whitney, Shannon in the background, Jeremy sitting

Yes, we taught the kids how to play Beer Pong. It will be of use to them later in life. (Don't worry, the cups had water in them) (Joe's kids and Beverly's kids)

Beverly, Joe (my boss) his wife Gina and myself discussing how I am going to start marketing the outfit I am wearing.

Whitney and Andy

Whitney with her New York corn hole board. Krystal made the boards and Whitney hand painted hers. (Krystal made a Boston board...also hand painted...see below)

Whitney taking the dive...

Brad and Larkin

Justin...Krystal in background with some of her co-workers

Roxie (Larkin's dog)

David and Michelle (they are the ones who made us getting the house possible! Thank you Harbor Mortgage!!)

Dave and Nellie (they are on our bowling league)

David, Krystal, Whitney

Whitney and Pullo (Michelle's dog)

David, Whitney and Michelle

Me and David

Whitney's NY board

Krystal's Boston board

Three Amigos! (Erin, David and Steven) (the children are Beverly's)

Erin and Whitney (with Matt Damon looking on)

Housewarming/80's/Mexican/Beerlympics Party

2011-07-08T13:21:00.011-04:00

The soon to be epic Housewarming/80's/Mexican/Beerlympics Party is tomorrow!! Hopefully it will be an event to remember...or not remember...however you need to look at it!

For games we have:

Beer Pong

Beersbie

A 6ft Inflatable Cactus Cooler and Ring Toss Game

Corn Hole

Bolo

annnndddd

The Toilet Paper/Plunger Game (not anyone I know in that video, but it is that funny!)

Coupled with the 215 beers that will be consumed on premises from the keg I will be picking up in a few hours...with whatever liquor is brought...well, we are in for an exciting time my friends!

So far we have a decent guest list...40 people or so. Yeah, I would say that is a decent size. :) I doubt everyone will arrive at the same time nor will everyone be staying all day, so at the most I would say we will have around 15 people at a time.

Now I have to go make a list of things we need to do before tomorrow! Pictures will be plentiful next week! :)

Nautical But Nice

2011-07-06T10:51:00.004-04:00

Ahhh, we have obtained the clip for when we were on the radio! (Thank you Toni, (Michelle's sister) Michelle and Kimba!!)

You can hear it here.

If you can't hear it there, try this: (after clicking, click on Download This File, which is a gray bar)

file backup online

Or this. (after clicking, click on Download This File, which is a gray bar)

Christine's mic was the only one that was on apparently, cause you hear her clearly throughout. The only thing I know I said was "Absolutely. Daily." (18-20 seconds), "I avoided that this morning" (35-37 seconds) and "Will do" (1:12) (the "Will Do" was done in a purposeful southern accent. The clip highly edited...we really rambled on for about five minutes and then Kimba was able to take clips out to make it sound good. During that time we were making fun of how southern our accents were and that is why Christine is saying "Y'all" and I am saying "Willlllll doooooo" at the end. It made more sense there.

ANYWAY! FUN! We got to be on the radio in Miami! WOOT WOOT!

MI-HAMI!

2011-07-05T16:29:00.008-04:00

So we went to Miami!

The day started at 2:55am, wherein I got up, got me some coffee, smoked a few cigs,umm, did that morning thing that no one wants to pull over at some grimy gas station and do, packed the car...you know, stuff.

Christine got to the house around 4:00am and we headed out for our early morning rendezvous (as Michelle called it) at the McDonald's by the ol I-95 where Whitney and Michelle were waiting for us.

We took off, at lightning speed might I add, Whitney is apparently a member of the Andretti family and wanted to see if we could make it to Miami in 4 hours instead of the designated 7.5.

After establishing that 80mph was an appropriate speed for all, we arrived in Miami around 11:30am and piled into Whitney's parents house. Whitney's parents are the SHIT. I mean the SHITTIEST! AWESOME! Can't say enough good things about them! Fed us like royalty...made sure we got drunk...at which time Whitney went "shopping" in her parents garage and came out dressed as a cow.

And that was just day one.

Anyway, we head on out to the concert around 4:00pm and get our tailgate on. U2 fans do not PLAY when it comes to tailgating. We weren't in the most lively of areas, but we DID walk by where the RV's park. What do these people do for a living?!?!? How do I get a job that lets me travel around following bands?!? How can they afford gas for those things? Anyway, they were serious.

So we get into the concert venue and it looks like this:

Christine and U2 Stage

They were playing at The Sun Life Stadium where the Dolphins play. I think the stadium itself holds around 70,000 people, and in addition to that, the "field" was completely PACKED with people. My best guess is that there were about 110,000 people there.

Florence and the Machine opened up for U2. I had no idea who they were until someone told me that it was that dog days song. I wasn't really paying too much attention to them until I heard miss lead singer lady belt out a note that was so freakin awesome it made my head snap! I was like, WHOA! Did you guys hear that?! As if you can get away from the sound in a stadium, but holy hell, she has got some pipes! I have to say I am now a fan of the Florence and the Machine. I also thought the harp player was pretty bad ass.

U2 was OF COURSE amazing. I don't know what I can say about them that hasn't already been said. MILLIONS of dollars went into that stage of theirs. The lights...WOW. The video...even MORE wow. If you get a chance to see them...DO IT.

The next day we woke up and met up with Michelle's sister in southern Miami. She works for a radio station there...like the one that radios all of Miami. Guess who was on the radio?!? Us bitches were! We were on 97.3 The Coast in particular with Kimba who was kind enough to let us do a little spot about the 80's Cruise giveaway they are having. It was tons of fun and a great experience!!!

More to come tomorrow...(with more pictures hopefully! MICHELLLLLLLEEEE!! Can I use some of your pictures?!?!? Kthxbie.)

Itinerary

2011-06-28T12:10:00.005-04:00

So there is a lot going on this Summer!

Tomorrow we leave for Miami. At 4:00am. As you know, I usually COME HOME at 4:00am. I will be taking a Benadryl as soon as I get home from work. Gotta get some sleep. Why Miami you ask?

Well, it initially started out as three of us going to the U2 concert. This is their 360 tour. After a few friends found out we were going to Miami, the list of people has grown to seven. We are about to rock Miami! I am very much looking forward to the concert and my only goals are not to die and/or get alcohol poisoning.

Because of the addition of some peeps, we got a free place to stay out of the deal. Our friend Whitney's parents live about 15 minutes from the location of the concert and all things fun!

We shall return on Friday in order to get some rest and celebrate the independence of the United States.

Next weekend we shall be having our housewarming party, which has been aptly named Nuevo de Julio 80's Mexican Beerlympics Party. For those of you not caught up on your Espanol...that is July 9th 80's Mexican party with Beer Olympics. Take that in. A Mexican 80's themed party! BEERLYMPICS! COULD THIS GET ANY BETTER?!? OH, it can...we will have a pool, a keg, corn hole...this is corn hole in case you didn't know:

The corn hole boards were hand made by my very own Krystal! They are looking beautiful!

Rumor is that there will be opening and closing ceremonies and a plethora of other drinking games including beer pong (which we own a table for, of course) Beersby (beer Frisbee game) and so much more!

If you are in the neighborhood, holla! It is going to be amazing!!!

XOXO!

Housewarming Gifts

2011-06-21T08:59:00.000-04:00

We pretty much have everything we need to maintain in the house...but one thing we don't have is a welcome mat. These have been brought to my attention:

Now for tough decision making.

And to end this post, a picture of my friend Whitney at the beach this past weekend. She swears she only had 3 beers. Seeing as how I see TWO right there, I am pretty sure this was beer number 6.

PICTURES!

2011-06-20T10:26:00.018-04:00

FINE FINE FINE! You have forced me to take pictures with my camera phone. I still can't find the actual camera. I am going to take video soon so you can get the full effect of the colors and how they DO NOT BLEND AT ALL.

This is part of the back yard...there are lots of bald spots in the yard due to the fact that the previous owners were burning things in the yard. Not sure what that was about. Getting grass to grow is a project long in the future.

This is Kitter acting like she wants to come outside. She isn't an outside kitty. As a matter of fact, when I opened the sliding glass door, she stuck her head out and quickly decided it was too hot.

This is our kitchen. It is orange during the day, red during the night. Most people that come over say they like it. We do not feel the same, sorry. It HAS to go. The counter tops also need to be replaced and the cabinets need to be repainted. Other than that it has a new stove, new dishwasher (GO ME!) and a pretty decent fridge. All the shit piled up is stuff we haven't found a home for yet. It is a process.

Here is one view of the living room. My couches fit wonderfully in this room! This view is looking into the kitchen. Note that the kitchen was red, with a blue accent wall and the living room is yellowish, with a DIFFERENT blue accent wall.

Another view of the living room.

View from the couch

Ferret room/litter box room/play area for ferrets

Bright ass blue guest bathroom. The linoleum flooring in both of the bathrooms are like this. Horrible. Both bathrooms will be tiled and have new vanities soon. OH and new paint jobs.

View down the hall from the ferret room...the glowing green room. I know, the colors are killing you, aren't they?!?

The green room aka guest bedroom

Living room from the hallway

View from living room into the kitchen/back yard

Laundry room

Master bedroom

My ultimate goal here is to show you how the house looks in complete disarray, so that when you see the final result it will be even MORE dramatic! I didn't even bother to put away my laundry or make the bed.

I also didn't take a picture of the master bath, walk in closet and garage. I will remedy that soon!

Parenting 101

2011-06-18T09:00:00.000-04:00

I was having a conversation with one of the attorneys at work about his mother in law finding pot and bongs in her 19 year old's (his brother in law) room and she called said attorney's wife (which would be the sister of the 19 year old) to see if she (the mom) should be worried. Among other things she was worried that he was a drug dealer and possibly smoking black tar heroine. This is only funny because the "black tar ball" she found, was the cashed weed that would have previously been in the bowl, but had fallen out somehow. The story made me giggle and then reminded me of my own story.

When I was about 17 my mom found some papers, the rolling kind, on our front porch. She accused me of having dropped them. I couldn't make the proper argument...which was, "Mom, I KNOW those aren't mine because I don't smoke weed in rolling papers, I use cigar wraps. I am gangsta! I only smoke blunts, yo." But of course, that wouldn't have really helped the situation.

Many years later I asked one of my brothers about it, who were 8 and 6 at the time, and they confirmed that our next door neighbor, who was also around 6 at the time, had found them in his MUCH older brother's room and had showed it to them. None of them knew what it was for, just knew it was adult stuff, and therefore threw it down and went on about their business of being 8 and 6 year olds.

Since I was reminded of this event, which happened 13 years ago, I decided to e-mail my mother to exonerate myself. She said she was sorry. And also sorry for accusing me of having those birth control pills that one time (which, I HONESTLY do not remember). She said that the birth control pills were actually hers, but she had forgotten that she got them and then a few days later, AFTER getting on to me, she remembered that they were hers, but didn't want to eat crow, so she never said she was sorry. LOL! That is SO my mother.

She also shared this story, which had me CRACKING UP!

"Did I tell you about the pill I found in the truck when the boys were in high school? I was so upset, I didn't know what to do...so I carried it around trying to figure out what it was . I went to CVS to see if the pharmacist could identify it so when I presented my case to the boys I wasn't entirely ignorant. The pharmacist studied it and said she had no clue, gave it back to me. I put it in my pocket. Later when I got home, I took it out and for whatever reason I smelled it. As I raised the pill to my nose it hit my lip. It was a mint. LMBO. Dumb pharmacist."

Good luck to all you parents out there...I know it has to be tough!!

Grand (Cayman) Friday!!

2011-06-17T14:52:00.003-04:00

Remember when I told you should should sign up for this?

And you didn't!

And you know what!

I won, bitches! That's right.

Peep my prizes!

Anywho...hope you guys have a wonderful weekend! I am going to the beach and working some more on the house!

(and finding a camera so I can take pictures for you needy people...you know who you are!

You Should Sign Up!

2011-06-15T08:59:00.000-04:00

Sunshine is doing a giveaway! It is called: Picture Perfect Giveaway!

Of course I want to win this fabulous prize(s), but won't hate on ya if you do! Head on over to her spot to sign up! Free stuff is always awesome...but even MORE awesome when it comes from the beautiful Cayman Islands!

AH-CHOO!

2011-06-14T08:59:00.002-04:00

I woke up Saturday morning to razor blades in my throat...then I proceeded to cough all day long...followed by my ears getting clogged up, sneezing, chest congestion and general blah.

WTF I said to myself!

My allergy season is in the Fall and a little bit of one in the Spring. Fall is the worst because of the Ragweed down here. But, Summer allergies?

Then, I figured it out.

Since moving to Savannah, I have lived downtown, where the yards are small, nary a patch of grass to be seen, mostly concrete. We now live in a neighborhood where everyone has their half acre of lawn, which they mow every weekend. I sit outside every weekend. The grass is pollinating this month. CHA-CHING.

Mystery solved...but really, all I want is for my face to drain and my chest to unclog.

I miss my beer. I can't taste it, so I haven't been drinking it. Sad.

Karaoke Song Meme

2011-06-13T14:31:00.002-04:00

I was tagged by Kat to do this here Karaoke Song MeMe.

If you know me at all you know I absolutely hate karaoke. HA! NOT! I don't know how I could live without the stuff! I even had our firm HIRE a karaoke person to come to our St. Patrick's Day party! I was VERY insistent, even though I really didn't have to be, cause our firm loves them some karaoke!

Kat also informed me that I was NOT allowed to pick Shoop by Salt N Pepa. Well, blasphemy I say! That is MY JAM!

Other than Shoop, I also sing a bit of Creep by Radiohead with Bobby at times...and also we party on with a bit of Pussy Cat Dolls too.

But if I HAD to pick one, and it wasn't Shoop (GAH!), then I would go for this:

Mostly because it is fast and catchy. And fun to sing! Plus, anytime I get a chance to show my country roots, I do. Even though I don't even particularly care for country music. Weird.

Promise There Will Be More!

2011-06-11T10:30:00.005-04:00

Since I have received threats of death (MAW and Deb) and various other requests not relating to violence, I must post some pictures of the house.

As soon as I find my camera, I promise to post more pictures. The cell phone camera just isn't cutting it on the inside shots.

This is the house:

And this is the neighborhood if you look right after walking out the front door:

I know that isn't much, but I still haven't found the box that contains cameras and other recording devices.

We should be able to tackle some stuff this weekend!

My New Occupations

2011-06-08T13:33:00.012-04:00

I am now a plumber, electrician and professional toilet paper holder hanger, which I am going to file under carpenter.

My plumbing career started when we noticed that the toilet in the guest bathroom had a slow drip under the tank part. Upon taking off the lid of the tank I noticed there are two bolts at the bottom that go through the bottom of the tank and attach to the back of the toilet.

Please see screws here:

So I say to myself, "Plumber Jess, I bet those little fucking screws that have a seal around them are leaking". Plumber Jess, being new to the game, figured what the hell...if they aren't the culprit, at least you can say you took apart a toilet once!

Except I couldn't get the fucktard of a toilet apart. Oh yeah, the screws came out JUST FINE...but I could NOT get the water supply connection undone. Also, upon removing the screws, the remaining cup of water that was left in the toilet spilled out everywhere.

Now you say, "Plumber Jess, why didn't you have a bucket or something?" And I will tell you, I DID! But the damn thing wouldn't fit back there and because we haven't washed dishes since we moved in (that story is later) I didn't have any small bowls to stick under there. The way I see it, the toilet water gave me a head start on cleaning the guest bathroom floor.

So I head to the Home Depot (where I may be known by name now) and picked up these:

I didn't need that black circle thing, but I did need those screws. I had Mr. Home Depot Man help me out. He was most awesome and took me right to the proper section, which was not in plumbing where I would have personally put these items.

I was confirming the order of things that go on the screw which goes: hold up screw, place shiny thing on, put black rubber thing on, place in hole down in tank, thread next rubber thing, shiny thing and then bolt. He laughed. Apparently it is called a WASHER and not a shiny thing. Technicality.

As I mentioned before, I couldn't get the toilet tank off. So threading these things with about an inch of space was REALLY difficult. See where this man, with really bad hair, hand is...

That was all the room I had to work with while threading on a WASHER, a GASKET and a BOLT. See, I learn. But I still think shiny thing, black thing and turning thing makes much more sense.

I wasn't able to lean down next to the toilet though. I was straddling that toilet so hard, reverse cowgirl, that even I had an inkling to set up a video camera to make my very own sex tape. But what would Reese Witherspoon say?

Needless to say, I got that fucker working. And please, never, ever put that blue shit in your toilet. When it leaks out it stains. When your fingers are trying to thread shiny, black and turning things it stains THEM blue. I am half Smurf today.

I also got all the toilet paper holders up (for whatever reason those were taken when the house was vacated). Never done that before, but with the help of my new drill

(yes, I bought it in green and with it's own purse to carry it in. And extra drill bits for wood and aluminum things)

I got those put up in no time.

Then I had to tackle the dishwasher.

Of note, when one purchases a Whirlpool DU1055XTVQ, please note that unless you order it FROM the warehouse, then it will NOT come with in installation kit. This kit is pretty much pointless, except that ONE, TINY little part that they tell you about on page 15 of the instructions. Yes, it is the adapter from the dishwasher for the drain hose. Important part. ONLY made by Whirlpool. No generic part for it anywhere. It only costs $6.00, but you have to have a dishwasher sitting in your kitchen for three days until the part arrives. Hence why I did not have a bowl to use for toilet tank water.

It is also of note that pages 1-14 are explaining, in great detail, how to remove old dishwasher to prepare for new dishwasher, so by the time you get to page 15, and are unable to move forward in installation, old dishwasher is torn the hell up from unscrewing 50.2 screws, un-wiring the sonofabitch and draining in the backyard. That just leaves you (or me) vacuuming in the blank hole where the old dishwasher used to be. I would eat off of that concrete. Now, THANKFULLY, I have a new dishwasher sitting in that pristinely cleaned spot.

I am just thrilled that I didn't flood the house and/or electrocute myself. Or blow up the dishwasher. So far, all I can tell is that the fill line is leaking a bit at the under sink connection. All I need is some Teflon tape (which I have!!!) and that should "seal the deal". Oh look at me...making plumber jokes.

Good lord.

Ninja, For Sure!

2011-06-03T10:00:00.000-04:00

If ever you wonder what you might should get me for Random Gift for Jess Day...look no further:

What Happened Bandages

Hope you guys have a wonderful weekend!

And CUT!

2011-06-02T13:21:00.008-04:00

We did it! Finally! We own a house! A house of our very own! Good thing too, cause I have already spilled beer on the carpet.

Getting this house aged me a decade and also produced one anxiety attack...but hey, it was totally worth it!

We got up bright and early on Friday morning to pick up the U-Haul. Said U-Haul was about the size of a semi truck. I can't say that judging size of moving trucks verses how much crap we actually own is my strong point! However, I WILL say that it took one and a half trips...so all in all, renting too big was actually an OK thing. OH and the half trip is cause we only filled half the truck with random shit that we had planned to take in a car loads.

Of note, we were asked by no less than five homeless people if they could help load the truck in exchange for money or if we could leave the stuff we weren't taking on the sidewalk so they could go through it to see if they wanted something and my absolute favorite was when me and Larkin had our hands full of shit...and I mean loaded down...the kind of loaded down where you are using your chin to pin down the stuff in your arms, fingers are burning and hoping it doesn't all crash to the ground before you scuffle over the the truck...a lady who was walking by stopped us and said, "Scu meh, does you gots fidy cent?"

I gave her the death stare of all death stares. The one that clearly says WHAT THE FUCK?! REALLY?!?. She walked away. Larkin later commented, "Sure lady! Let me just drop this and go inside and get my purse for you!" I will NOT miss that part of living downtown.

We packed until about 2:00pm when we finally got the call from my office that the paperwork was ready to be signed. What a wonderful call! Especially since we had a truck load of stuff that we needed to put somewhere!

We got to the new abode and it was approximately 1,026,987 degrees in the house. Turns out that whole air conditioning thing they were supposed to fix...didn't get fixed. OH and I should mention 87 degrees on Friday, 90 degrees on Saturday, 89 degrees on Sunday and 89 degrees on Monday. YES, OF COURSE the air conditioning wasn't working on the hottest days thus far in the month! AND OF COURSE it was Memorial Day weekend, so the air conditioning didn't get fixed until Tuesday. I must say here that I LOVE YOU JOHN THE AIR CONDITIONING GUY! I would have TOTALLY given you my first born that day...if I had a first born.

Also, the refrigerator wasn't working properly. The fridge part was barely cool and the freezer was acting like the fridge part. Not only was it the temperature of hell inside the house, I had no cool spot to stick my head! The fridge got fixed yesterday. Complete with a therapy session for the man that fixed our fridge. Apparently his cat just died and his wife left him. Yes, I too thought he was going to break out into a country song, but no, he just wanted to let off some of his woes. This happens to me often. I carefully pick out my t-shirts I wear and I promise NONE of them says, "Hi, complete stranger! Come share your problems with ME!" Eh, it is all good...if he needed someone and I was there, then I suppose it was just meant to be. Plus, he fixed the fridge!! COLD BEER! Oh, and food.

After unpacking and cleaning up the rental house all day on Saturday a crew of us, Larkin, Paul, Bobby, Michelle, Me and Krystal went to see KATHY GRIFFIN! She came to Savannah!! SO EXCITING! I understand that Kathy is an acquired taste for some, but she tastes JUST RIGHT for me! I have been a fan of hers for a long time. It was a nice break from all the hustle! Also of note, we saw Paula Deen (hisssss) and Ruby there as well. Paula came up on stage at the beginning of the show and Ruby was just at the show and was leaving when we spotted her not-so-gigantic-anymore self! I was THIIIISSSS close to Ruby, about to pose for a picture, when her manager whisked her away. Damn it. So basically, all of our Savannah celebrities were in one place. Oh, if only the tourists could have seen!

Sunday and Monday were spent TRYING to unpack, but it was so damn hot in the house you could only get one thing done before having to GO OUTSIDE to cool off.

Things are starting to get done now that the air is working! We have the washer and dryer in, I installed the front door lock (with my new drill), fixed the disposal and bought a new dishwasher. I am LESBIAN!! RAWR! I plan on installing that bad boy too. Yeah, never installed a dishwasher before. Never even seen anyone do it. It is called and ADVENTURE IN LESBIAN LAND! If I fail I can always take HH Gregg up on that installation offer they tried to get me to buy for $120.00.

I will get pictures up soon! No one wants to see a house all in disarray, so you are going to have to wait until we get it to some sort of normal. Also, the Mexican themed paint colors will be staying up until we have our Mexican themed house warming party! Bring your sombrero and amigos!

My Daughter Has a Penis!

2011-05-25T15:09:00.005-04:00

See, that's not something you hear everyday! But I heard it from Brother Joseph today. Did I tell you guys that Joseph and Ana are having a baby? A baby girl? Well, if I did, I would be wrong, as in apparently sexing of a baby in Puerto Rico is an unknown art, as well as telling you how far along you are in pregnancy. So, let's set the record straight.

Ana is having a BOY and she is NOT five months along, she is actually SIX months and some odd weeks.

So now there is a mad exchange of baby gifts and clothes and a new name. Victoria...you are now William. WOW. I just realized they picked out some really royal names there. Humm, well, anyway, it is probably for the best. I was going to call Victoria Vicky for a while and then just shorten it to Icky.

Now there is going to be William, named after our grandfather, who already has a million nicknames for his name, Will, Bill, Billy...so it is up to me to find a good nickname for this twerp.

We have confirmation that the loan deferment for KK's student loan HAS been deferred, but we are still lacking the almighty document in hand, which is very necessary to close on Friday. We are running out of time people!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! It is such a tiny thing. Just a form letter that you change a couple tiny things in and press a button and BOOM, faxed. What the hell are they doing on loan deferment land? I can tell you what...sitting in their cubicles, making minimum wage, pissed off that they don't have a loan to defer and laughing at us. That is what.

OK, I don't know about the laughing at us part, but I do know the rest. I used to be a telemarketer. And even though these people are just a level up from that, I feel certain they hate their jobs as much as I did. That, bar none, was the worst job I ever had. It was the FIRST job I ever had as well. I can tell you that picture up there is full of lies! Ties? No. Well groomed people? No. Clean carpet and work environment? No.

Telemarketing is where I met an interesting variety of people. I met my first gay person, transgendered person, person with HIV and all walks of life that were one step above being homeless. If my mother had seen the working conditions/personnel she would have never let me work there. Good life experience nonetheless.

But back to that piece of paper. FAX IT FUCKERS! I am tired of waiting. Kthxbie.

Update

2011-05-20T10:54:00.004-04:00

The house HAS to close next Friday. Just HAS to! We are waiting on ONE tiny little document to be sent and the processing of that one tiny document is taking FOREVER!

There are a massive amount of reasons that we HAVE to close next Friday, of note: we have to be OUT of the house we are in on the 31st.

So far things are looking good, but it still doesn't help the stress levels!

OH! Kathy Griffin is coming to town next weekend! AND the Westboro Baptist Church will also be picketing this weekend AND next weekend! It is going to be a BUSY weekend!

Westboro is going to be picketing FIVE churches...who are apparently masquerading as whorehouses. Who knew?!? If church was like THAT perhaps I would be there every weekend! They are picketing pretty much every sect of church we have here, Catholic, Baptist, Episcopalian, non-denominational, Jewish...and also three high schools that are "pervert run and fag infested". Naturally there are protests forming in response to the protest. I probably won't have time to go to any of them, but I will try and make it a point to stop by and maybe take some pictures of the crazies!

I Tweeted Kathy Griffin and told her the protesters were going to be here the weekend she was here and thought we should set up a drag show outside of the picket line with her as the Emcee. I didn't hear back, but it would be SO awesome if she did go out there to protest, right?!?

That is pretty much all. I will let you know if we are living in a house or a U-Haul by next week!

Gadgetry

2011-05-12T13:24:00.000-04:00

People, I love gadgets. I don't get to buy them very often as my consumption of adult barley beverages is usually more important than me having the newest iPhone, iPad, or iAirplane (you know those Apple people probably have one in the works)

My boss is king of all things new. I just play with his new stuff and think if it is applicable to my life. It never can be justified. I haven't even justified buying a laptop. We bought one off of Krystal's co-workers for $150.00 and I think I have used it twice.

I do have a smart phone. Not by choice as much as by force. When my last phone broke a couple of weeks ago, my options were a shitty $75 phone, OR use the rebate and upgrade discount and get a bad ass HTC Evo for $175. Humm, well, yeah, I guess that would be the smart thing to do. So I did. No regrets, it is awesome! Certainly wouldn't have bought it when it first came out...$499.00?!? WHAT?!?

Ah, my point to this story: I was watching Shark Tank (hoo-ha-ha) the other day and this company came on: OrigAudio.

Dudes! Dudettes! These people are AWESOME! I had to pause that shit just so I could get to the computer to order! I was sold immediately! Where has this gadget BEEN all my life?!?

It is called the Rock-It 2.0. I cannot WAIT to get this device! We plan on using it for our beach days. It is hard to explain, so you will have to watch the video. I tried to explain it to two people without having them watch the video and it went like this:

Me: It is a device that turns anything into a speaker.

Them: *crickets* [blank stare]

Me: A DEVICE THAT CAN TURN ANYTHING INTO A SPEAKER!!

Them: Yeah. I heard you. WHAT THE FUCK?

Me: GAH!! Just watch the video:

Rock-It 2.0

Weekend Review

2011-05-09T09:59:00.016-04:00

It was QUITE a busy weekend! I was SUPPOSED to go to bed early on Friday, but after going to Wild Wing to eat, we somehow got drug out downtown and were out later than we expected.

Saturday was our busiest day. I had a hangover to get over, a wedding to go to at 4:00pm on one side of town and a gala at 7:00pm downtown. It went something like this:

Leave house at 2:30, go get wedding gift I forgot to get all week at Bed, Bath and Beyond, jump into Jersey Mike's sub shop for a quick bite to eat as we have forgotten to do that all day too, drive 30 minutes to Wilmington Island where said wedding is taking place, get lost finding location, find location, get lost AT location (very large Clubhouse...it was at a golf club/plantation), sit down for wedding, wedding starts at 4:17, ends at 4:25 (Those are really the BEST weddings), start slamming drinks at 4:27, sit down, eat, leave at 6:30pm, arrive downtown for next event at 7:02pm, valet parking is full, take an additional 20 minutes to find parking. Arrive at Kiss-A-Pig Gala for American Diabetes Association. Meet and greet people, eat more, slam more drinks, take pictures in provided photo booth: (you should click these for the full effect...)

Whitney and Michelle

Larkin, Krystal, Michelle and Me (my favorite picture is the last one in this strip of Michelle...I can't quit laughing at it)

Paul, Whitney, Larkin, Michelle, Krystal and Me

Michelle and Larkin

Larkin, Krystal, Michelle and Me

Krystal and Me

Paul and Larkin

Serious good fun! We left the gala and went out downtown...stayed out ENTIRELY too late...pretty sure my head hit the pillow around 3:00am. I suffered all day Sunday and because of the busy weekend of staying up too late, sleeping in too late, I didn't go to bed until 2:00am. I will be going to bed REALLY early tonight!

Weekend: SUCCESS!!

Cinco!!!!!!!!

2011-05-06T11:04:00.007-04:00

We enjoyed the Cinco in fine fashion this year! The Cinco happened to fall on our Thursday night bowling league, but we didn't let that stop us and we just went ahead and showed up like this:

And we were AWESOME last night! We beat the number 1 team in the league. Coincidence? I think not!

Guess Who Is Coming To Visit?!?

2011-05-03T09:34:00.004-04:00

West-fucking-boro Baptist (fake)Church!

RIGHT HERE! In Savannah!! WHAT??!??!

According to Westboro, and their infinite wisdom on such things, our Savannah schools have been infested with fags.

The first thing I said was, "Whew, at least they aren't infested with fleas; those fuckers are hard to get rid of!"

But really, what the fuck. First of all, all three of those schools are pretty fucking gangster. As I am not a native of Savannah, I had to confer with Larkin, who told me that even SHE was afraid of Beach High School. (She attended Jenkins High School)

Seriously, the supposed "fag problem" is NOT the problem in these schools...and if they don't get the support of the local Savannah Police Department, Westboro Baptist might get front row seats to the sad amount of violence in our Savannah schools.

On that note, I would like to leave you with this Failbook I saw the other day that gave me quite the chuckle. (Click to open in new window)

Pamphlet for the Recently Discarded Penis

2011-04-29T13:08:00.006-04:00

Trooper Thorn, in his infinite wisdom, has suggested a pamphlet along the lines of “So Your Girlfriend Left You for Another Girl?” Even though I have personal experience with this (Sorry Chris!) I can’t really speak for the guy’s point of view. I get an occasional e-mail from the ex, but it is mostly just general chit-chat about what is going on. So this pamphlet is mostly written to my ex.

Jessica’s Pamphlet for the Recently Discarded Penis, Dumped for the VaJayJay

Well, Buddy, I am sorry, but there were a few dead giveaways that things were heading down this path:

1) When asked to pick out porn for the two of you to watch, there sure were a lot of women, and the were quite hot, plentiful and had plenty of girl on girl action.

2) You were “forced” to watch “The L Word”,

3)“Gia”,

and

4) She REALLY took interest in that part on “Wild Things” when Neve Campbell and Denise Richards started doing the damn thing in the pool.

Oh. My. Goodness. Can I get an AMEN!

But back to you. You are probably saying to yourself the following:

“Well, how can I compete with that?”

“I guess I just couldn't satisfy her with my amazing piece of equipment”

“I always thought this attraction she had for women would benefit us on day in the bedroom”

Let me clarify a few things for you:

This isn't a competition; it never has been. In YOUR mind you think this is a battle of the sexual organs, but alas, it is a MUCH bigger organ that is causing this conflict. The brain. It might be difficult for you to accept that it really, truly, honestly has nothing to do with rejecting your dick, or any dick for that matter. And while we are talking about it, your dick is very nice and stuff and that helicopter thing you do with it is totally hilarious. Not really. Well, it was the first 25 times. Using it to hang your shower towel on was pretty amazing.

I guess that brings us to your amazing piece of equipment. You are very proud of it, and you SHOULD be. You only get one. Hell, even we get two boobs. Anyboob, errr, anywho, you were quite satisfactory in all of your sexual endeavors. It isn't that she CAN’T be satisfied by the penis, it can totally happen, but the COMPLETE satisfaction isn't there. How can I clarify this for you…OH, got it: How about watching the football game, beer in one hand, a remote in the other and a fine young lady giving you a blow job. COMPLETE SATISFACTION, right?!?!

So you always thought it would be a beneficial thing in the bedroom? Yes, many men are confused about this. I am not sure if is the definition of lesbian that is confusing or if it is the part where I LIKE WOMEN that throws men off, but SHIT, how hard is it to understand?

Ah, you men and your silliness. Wanna know what it is like? Wanna know what you would be seeing?

YES, it REALLY is that steaming HOT! It is amazing! That shit you were “forced” to watch in “The L Word?” Yep, pretty much just like that. Awesome, right!?

Hang in there, buddy. You are no less of a man because of this. You, sir, are BETTER because of this. BUT HEY! You two now have something in common…I can almost guarantee, at this VERY moment, she is thinking about how freakin HOT Julie Stiles was in last season of Dexter.

Your Complimentary Lesbian Pamphlet

2011-04-21T11:56:00.010-04:00

We have a friend, recently divorced from her husband, who shall remain nameless, who has recently fallen into a new relationship, with a female. We all absolutely LOVE the both of them and wish them well in their new venture. The other half of the equation is a seasoned lesbian.

Being the kind soul I am, I conjured up a Welcome to Lesbianism pamphlet. I thought you should all get a copy. As you can see, it says Jessica's Lesbian Handbook...which means it is MY handbook with MY opinion, so you crazy lesbians don't get your boy shorts all twisted...it is meant to be entertaining. (and sometimes true!)

WELCOME!

This is Jessica’s Lesbian Handbook for the Newly Introduced.

Whether you decide to stay for a while, or venture on, there are a few rules you must know before proceeding into this world of beaver eaters, cherry pickers, dildo divers, finger artists, and vagitarians.

Please take a moment to become familiar with your welcome pamphlet and at the end, please feel free to ask any questions.

I. Media

TV and Movies

Your first order of business is to watch the ENTIRE “The L Word” series. For ease of reference, there are six (6) season of said series. Rules: you must never even consider liking Jenny Schecter. (End of rules)

Second order of business is to catch up on “The REAL L Word”. (Directed by the same chick that did “The L Word”) So far there is just one season, but GOOD LORD Whitney Mixter is FINE. AS. SHIT. The new season is due out at some point in 2011.

You are more than welcome to watch “The Vagina Monologues”, but to be honest, most of us have seen it and can agree that it is pretty weird and doesn’t really have much to do with vaginas and was probably made for those uppity New York people. You know the kind…those ones that sit around after a movie and discuss, in depth, about what the butterfly on the wall in Scene 2, Part ½ symbolized and the rest of us NORMAL lesbian people are like, “I’m hungry and where the fuck is the beer, bitches?”

You will start to notice that you like really not-so-good movies, ones like “Blue Crush”, because they have hot chicks in boy shorts who can straddle the fuck out of a surf board. You will start to say things like, “Damn, I don’t even LIKE surfing, but I think next time I am at the beach I am going to try that shit!” and you don’t even know WHY! (NOTE: same thing will happen during the Winter Olympics during events like Women’s Snowboarding) Also, “straddle the fuck out of a surf board” should be worked into a joke…like, “I sure wish you would straddle my face like you do that surfboard”…eh, needs some work.

Music

Ani DiFranco, The Indigo Girls, Melissa Etheridge, K. D. Lang…

Pish, posh I say!! It is like saying if you are a skater that you just HAVE to listen to Ska (anyone actually remember that musical blip in history…R.I.P. Ska music)

You just stick to what you love. HOWEVER, if it happens to be that you found yourself, before this day, listening to an INORDINATE amount of the above artists, perhaps we should have spoken sooner. This is a dead give away that you were well on your way to the Muff Diving Academy.

II. Types of Lesbians

You must become familiar with all sub-categories of lesbians. To name a few:

Lipstick Lesbian

Femme

Soft Butch

Butch

Dyke

FUCKING HUGE DYKE! (RUN!)

Stud

Boi

The list goes on. I am pretty sure new categories are made up daily. I have even heard sub-categories for the sub-categories. Like Diesel Dyke. I am pretty sure that is the same as FUCKING HUGE DYKE. Just a guess.

SPEAKING of guessing…that brings us to our next category:

III. Picking Out A Lesbian

One would think that this would be easy…but no, really, it can be daunting. Just think about it this way: You are a female, right? (If not, please refer to the TITLE of this brochure, you have picked up the WRONG pamphlet. REPEAT: turn around; you have picked up the WRONG pamphlet) As a female, we expect that we could very swiftly and efficiently pick out another female in the crowd. Surely you have experienced a drag show by now. Of course, some of the performers are very OBVIOUSLY men, but there are a select few in there that make you question whether or not YOU are actually female. It is a confusing world, my child, a confusing world.

So when out in public, use caution. Girls holding hands or even kissing may not ACTUALLY be lesbians. They are often time posers; drunken college girls trying to get free drinks. (Totally works too; ask me about it someday. The story doesn’t belong in this informational pamphlet. I think the title of THAT pamphlet is “How to Survive College: LesbianSlutPirating Techniques”) No, picking out a lesbian in the crowd takes time and practice. Some make it easy with the short and spiky haircuts, or even the new trend of just shaving one side of the head:

(From You Are Nothing Without Her)

I mean, sure, she is cute, like an innocent kitten, even with those crazy, weird ass tattoos on her knee caps and that strange, longing stare with that half bit lip, she appears to be saying, “I want to finger bang you right NOW”, but in my experience, you must approach these lesbians with an abundance of caution. She has shaved one side of her head for chrissake! It reeks of complicated. This might be something you will have to figure out on your own, but I have done what I can do for you at this moment: provide a photo and some commentary so you know what to look out for. Also of note, these lesbians are mostly found in the Seattle area.

What were we talking about? Oh, yes, picking out a lesbian. Sometimes it is easy, sometimes it is a little less so. Those lipstick lesbians make it TOUGH.

You see this succulent piece of one of God’s finest creatures:

Yeah, never knew. I was totally flabbergasted, which was then followed by sheer jealousy. Of Ellen.

ELLEN! I forgot to mention her! She should also be referred to as Queen. This will give to a nice segue to our next topic:

IV. Lesbian Stereotypes

This category could go on for days. You can look at most lesbians in the celebrity world and pin point the types of lesbians you will come across in your day to day life. You have the Rosie O’Donnells, you have the Ellens, you have the Sara Gilberts, the Phyllis Lyon, and (her partner) Del Martins and the Jackie Warners. I understand that you might have to look some of these people up, but I will give you a brief synopsis of each which portrays a common TYPE of lesbian you may come into contact with:

The Rosie O’ Donnell: Overbearing caused by deep insecurities that are not readily brought to light. Very opinionated about topics that do not merit such over opinionated opinions. This is caused by the need to be heard. Often a symptom of some type of trauma in early life. Usually harmless, easy enough to get along with, but can get exhausting over time.

The Ellen DeGeneres: Friendly, blends in with everyone, always has an interesting story, seems to always land on their feet no matter what the situation, tends to keep from being opinionated about things, except when it comes to thoughts on how people should be treated. These types of lesbians have a strong connection to animals, which can lead the them having crazy eating habits which include, but are not limited to: vegan, vegetarian, various types of organic eating and free range this and that.

The Sara Gilbert: Typical quiet type. Has long term relationships that includes collecting multiple children. Enjoy the simple life, has known about lesbianism for a long time and never had any issues with coming to grips with it. Has very interesting things to say about life, but is mostly a listener. Good friend to have.

The Phyllis Lyon

and

Del Martin: Oldest freakin lesbians alive! They are trendsetters. Amazing individuals that have been through the worst of the worst and have still stayed together. Iconic! Have so much real life advice (that doesn't include eating a gluten free diet) that it just blows your mind of all the truly astounding things they have accomplished. Revered lesbians.

The Jackie Warner: Crazy, insane workout all the time type. The bedroom has a rotating door on it. Has crazy mommy and/or daddy issues which cause sudden outbursts of unwarranted hatred towards anyone in the way. Unstable in every since of the word. Stay away from these types.

V. Politics

You will find that many lesbians are of the liberal point of view. On occasion you will find a true blend of liberal and conservative. These are the most interesting type as they have a truly broad view of the world. They are few and far between. Many in the lesbian world lean left. A vast majority of these left wingers have no idea why they lean that way, they just know that the right lean mingles you with crazy religious freaks, so it is MUCH easier to jump to the left than learn about all the complications of being right wing. Or a blend of the two.

When dealing with politics and lesbianism it is important to have already discovered how you feel about certain topics WITHOUT including your sexuality.

This is a touchy subject, so let’s move on.

VI. The Community

This topic could take YEARS to discuss and analyze. You have your main group LGBT and another group called PFLAG. I would say these are the two top groups you would need to know. You can see that the queers really love their acronyms. You will also find that many get tripped up on trying to remember the order of the letters in LGBT. Oh, LGBT stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender. PFLAG is Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. I am not sure why the bisexual and transgendered got left out of that one, but I am sure there will be an amendment soon.

You will find, often times, that there is conflict between the letters (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender) The lesbians don’t understand the gays, the gays like to touch the lesbian’s boobs, the bisexuals are a mystery species in the lesbian and gay world and the transgendered give a whole new light to “I am so fucking confused right now”. No, the transgendered group isn’t saying that, the LGB letters are saying that. It is common thought that all letters of the group would naturally just understand each other. It isn’t the case. What IS awesome is that any letter of the group is USUALLY very understanding and doesn’t make you feel like a complete ass when you ask very detailed questions. Most get that “Knowledge is Power”. The ones that don’t, punch them in the throat just like you would any other ignorant bastard. (Just kidding. Sort of.)

VII. Sports

You are not required to like sports such as rugby, lacrosse and soccer, but you will find some of the most eloquently designed bodies in the creation of all lesbian bodies at those sporting events. As a lesbian, you are not necessarily REQUIRED to like sports, but it WILL be expected that you do, so you might as well give in to picking a sport.

Playing pool. You just HAVE to do it. It is in some ancient lesbian pamphlet somewhere. No one knows why, but playing pool is a necessary lesbian activity.

CONCLUSION

I appreciate that you have taken time to get to know the basics of lesbianism. Notice we didn’t even get into the sex thing, cause let’s face it, no matter what your sexual preference is, no amount of words in a pamphlet are going to get you “there”. This is something you have naturally, learn along the way, or just stay bad at. Let’s hope you are naturally spectacular or at least have the willingness to learn along the way. Don’t be shy; ask your female friends, if they are good friends they won’t mind hashing out the specifics. Oh, and ask a lesbian friend about U-Hauling, it is hilariously and scarily true.

42 Days and Counting

2011-04-19T10:31:00.006-04:00

We have 42 days to get out of our current residence. Still waiting on figuring out funding. Stressful doesn't really begin to describe it! :)

I am not quite sure if asking for God to PLEASE let this house work out for us is a proper prayer, so mainly it has been going like this:

"God, it's me...you know what I am about to ask, so I am going to not necessarily ask that you help us out here cause that is like asking if you will please give us a million dollars, but then again, why do you ask us to pray if it isn't for things that we need...I mean, your dudes up in the pulpit say that we should ask for patience and the ability to handle things that come in life, but really, I just would like to have a place of our own, to call our own and to start making a life together and if I die of anxiety before then, that kinda ruins everything.

And so I would just like to ask you if you could possibly make me go to sleep for 42 days and when I wake up we will have a house of our own. And, as you can see and have known for some time, I don't deal well with disappointment, so I guess helping me deal with that, if it comes to that, would be awesome, but you know what would be even MORE awesome, God?

A HOUSE!

You know that lady Oprah? You do, she is like one of your most famous creations, but anyway, she has this thing she does where she gives out all kinds of fun stuff like cars and vacations, but you know what she hasn't done?!? Given away a HOUSE! So you could totally trump her on the house thing and be like, "BOO-YA Oprah! I gave a HOUSE to my girls!" You know how Oprah is, she will totally be like, "Ohhhhhhh NOOOOOOOOO YOUUUUU DIDN'TTTTT!" and then SHE will start giving out houses and that is called CHARITY, which I understand you are a BIG fan of. So as I see it, this is a win-win for everyone!

Anyway, as a back up plan, please don't let us be homeless with three cats and three ferrets in tow. And also, we would really like to get that house. Amen"

As of today, I have completely emptied out my savings as we are preparing to have to pay off some debts in order to get the debt to income ratio where it needs to be in order for them to fund our loan. I am trying to remain calm, but these are the things I am thinking about:

1) Spend entire life savings to pay off debts and the deal falls through for some reason. No house, no life savings.

2) Loss of our $1,000 in earnest money because we can't get loan funded in time.

3) Spend ALLLLLL this money trying to get things to closing and not have enough money to actually bring to closing.

4) Not having enough money for deposits to rent another place because we spent all our money trying to get into a house.

Wooooo-saaaaaahhhh. I need some yoga, meditation and a tranquilizer. And also, please do whatever you do when you REALLY want something...and send that my way.

XOXO

Progress!

2011-04-12T11:05:00.002-04:00

So far, so good! House stuff is coming along nicely. The inspection was today, only minor stuff to fix:

Compressor works on the AC, however, they couldn't get it to cool...meaning the freon probably leaked out since it has been sitting for a while. No worries.

Drains in the bathtubs drain a little slow.

A hardwiring job needs to happen for the garage door...right now they have it running off an extension cord. Ghetto fabulous!

Dishwasher is loud as SHIT. That will be replaced. (has nothing to do with actual inspection...that was me yelling at the inspection dude over the sound of the dishwasher saying that it WILL be replaced)

Disposal is locked up from non-use. Time to break out the manual disposal turner thing.

Paint was even MORE horrific with the electricity on. WOW. Good news though, no electrical problems!

Found a brand new beach chair in the attic...AND Christmas lights! SCORE! If I had known THAT was there, we would have offered MORE for the house! Hehehe!

No buggies! Termite man came out...we are clear for all bugs that are destructive!

Now to get the appraisal in and get this mo fo closed!

Fingers to remain crossed until the closing is finished!

Officially Official

2011-04-05T14:03:00.003-04:00

There are actual signatures on actual black and white paper with actual earnest money. So that makes us OFFICIALLY under contract!

Now:

Inspection
Termite Inspection
Appraisal
Underwriting
Closing Date needs to be moved up to middle of May
Xanax

Looking Forward to May

2011-04-04T16:38:00.005-04:00

We are still waiting on paperwork from the bank, but the offer we made has been accepted! I will feel better about things once we make it OFFICIAL, on paper, with earnest money down, but as of this moment, things are feeling pretty good!

We were reminded this weekend of how nice it is going to be to have our own house. The next door neighbors decided to hire a BAND…a FUCKING BAND…to play at 11:00pm-12:00am on Friday night. WOW.

By the end of last week all I wanted to do was go to bed. Friday night seemed like a lovely time to do that since I already had plans to go to a Bachelorette party on Saturday night. I was peacefully watching TV when BLAM, sounds of amplifiers turning on, drums start going, lead guitar, bass guitar and a SCREAMING singer. Krystal and I just looked at each other and said, “HELL NO!!”

Let me give you a visual.

On the left you have our house…our door is on the right; we live in the lower level. The arrow shows the approximate 3 foot gap between houses. On the right you have the geniuses who hired a band to play from 11:00pm-12:00am in a RESIDENTIAL AREA. You can see how close the houses are. It was as if we were standing in their living room.

Krystal headed over, banged on the door for about five minutes and FINALLY someone came to the door and wanted to “know what the problem was”.

Well, ya see, the problem is THIS ISN’T FUCKING FRAT ROW!!

She gave some kind of sob story that she had already paid the band and blah blah blah…Krystal came over to tell me, the music stopped but THEN, she came over to knock on the door…just to see if maybe they could play for like, you know, 30 minutes.

Like, no.

Krystal struck up some bargain that maybe if they moved their shit into another room (my suggestion was move your shit to the next county) then MAYBE, if it wasn’t horribly loud, then they could play for 30 minutes, but to please come back over after they started playing, stand in our house and listen to what we have to listen to.

When Krystal came back to tell me this grand plan, and chastising her for being too nice to these nimrods, I went to sit in the living room to wait for Miss. Fucktard to return.

Upon her return, visualize, me, hair affray, wearing a worn out t-shirt, leopard silk pants and my house coat which is decorated in Christmas trees, she seemed stunned and said, “Well, you aren’t who I was talking to!” I said, “No, I am the one who is trying to sleep.” She then proceeded to tell me that it was just too much to move around tonight, so she had to cancel the whole gig (my eyes were welling up, let me tell ya) and wondered if maybe they could play NEXT weekend between 11:00pm and 12:00am. I kindly (gritted teeth) let her know that despite her schedule, most people prefer not to hear a band playing in through their bedroom window at 11:00pm-12:00am. She continued on with her sob story and I just stopped her and this ensued:

“Look, what time do you go to work in the mornings?”

“Oh, I don’t work, but I have classes at 8:00am”

“OK, well, I work, my Mom and Dad don’t pay my rent, I do, and how I do that is by working 40 – 55 hours in a week and when I want to sleep, that is damn well what I intend on doing. What if I did decided to hire a band on the night you were studying for finals?!?”

“Well, we are pretty loud during finals too”

(REALLY GRITTING MY TEETH)

“You don’t fucking say!!”

I think I may have scared her a little bit. I was pretty darn irritable wondering how the fuckinghell someone thinks it is OK to hire a band for a HOUSE. Then I asked her how old she was. Twenty was the answer. Then my tiny little mind went back a decade ago and I thought about what I was doing…

OH! I WAS BUYING MY OWN HOUSE GAHDAMN IT!

So then I had to realize that not everyone bought a house at 20 nor waited until they had actual common sense when they started partying. I mean, you people know I LOVE TO PARTY! But the difference is that when you start partying late in life, you have that stupid responsibility thing and it prevents you from hiring bands to play in your house. Plus, the acoustics are terrible, which I am assuming you learn later in life as well.

Anyway, we agreed that she and her hired band could probably get away with playing in the middle of the day…say like at 4:00pm. And indeed, when I came home from working on Saturday (I was making some extra doing a job on the side…I am gangsta like that) the music was in full swing.

Since we couldn’t actually hear each other INSIDE our house, Krystal and I decided to go outside and sit on the porch to listen to that thing they called “music”. Not too long after we got out there, the neighbor who lives cattycorner to us came strolling up with his little white dog (yes, he is gay and VERY proud of it) stopped in front of the offending house and with a look of disgust on his face, whipped out his cell phone and called the cops.

It just made me giggle to no end. Thankfully the cop that responded was our dear friend Barry and another equally as awesome cop whose name was…wait for it, Officer Friend. Oh, I had a good time with that one!

The music ceased, we chatted with Barry and Officer Friend for a while, drank a few more beers and then headed downtown where I am pretty sure we caused enough ruckus for one weekend! I am not sure though, we will have to wait for the Facebook photos to be uploaded. :)

Stellar Ju Ju My Friends!

2011-04-01T16:35:00.008-04:00

I have to say, all that good ju ju you guys sent was AMAZING! We got a verbal A-OK on our final offer!!!

Now we are just waiting on some OFFICIAL paperwork and we will be under contract! That should commence on Monday. VERY EXCITING!

The only danger is that the paper work won't be official until Monday...so IF someone where to come in this weekend and make an offer higher than ours then POTENTIALLY the bank COULD take theirs...but let's face it, that is just NOT going to happen. Cause I said so. THERE.

Next step is getting the contract signed, putting some earnest money down, get an inspection on the home, an appraisal, a termite letter and THEN get it closed. All before May 31st. Preferably sooner. Like May 1st would be great. I have shit to do in May and I would like it to all be over and done with.

XOXO! Keep those fingers crossed still.

Oh, did I show you the HORRENDOUSLY colorful paint that the people before us did?:

No need to adjust your retinas, those are the REAL colors.

You might want to go ahead and buy some stock in Kilz, because two hot chicks from Savannah are about to load up on that shit.

Chuck Em Up!

2011-03-31T11:29:00.008-04:00

If you aren't aware of Dooce by now, you are a very virgin blogger. Dooce is the Queen of Blogdom. QUEEN, bitches!

One of the greatest part of her blog is her taking pictures of her dog, Chuck, with stuff balancing on his head. It is called The Daily Chuck. It makes me giggle.

We decided the other night, during one of our Miller Lite/watch TV nights, that we should stack stuff on Stryker Hawks head...and the result:

He really did just sit there and let us stack stuff on his head and take pictures. Most awesome cat...EVER!

I also couldn't help but write Dooce to tell her...so I sent her an e-mail yesterday:

This is my roommate's cat, Stryker Hawk. He is the most dog like cat I have ever met. Last night we decided to "Chuck Him Up", so we started stacking stuff on his head. As you can clearly see from the pictures, this was a drunken activity, but no worries; no cats were harmed or drunk during this amazing feat!

Jess

And much to my DELIGHT!!!!! her blogmajesty herself wrote me back!!

Jess

Soooo cute. Maybe related??

much love

Heather

OK, so it wasn't an EXTENSIVE e-mail, but all the same...STOKED!

Send in the Good JuJu!

2011-03-29T14:01:00.003-04:00

We officially made an offer on a house last week.

A counter offer was made today.

We have countered the counter offer.

One more round of this shit and we should have the price where we need it...and HOPEFULLY they will accept.

Boys and girls...send the good ju ju out into the universe. Ju ju to be projected towards this house:

I Gotcha Bail!

2011-03-28T15:40:00.006-04:00

The Bobz was looking for "Balloons" the other day in the phone book and came across this ad under "Bail":

Yes. What the fuck, What the Hell, WHY?!? and REALLY!?! were all words we used.

I can see what she is trying to do here...

But let's face it, that look doesn't even work for BETH. Beth THINKS it works for her, and I guess, if I thought about it, I am not sure what other look Beth COULD have, but duplicating, replicating or copying it...NOT AWESOME.

We went and looked up ads for this lady in past phone books and found this:

My first thoughts were, "Damn, girlfriend got a hold of some cheeseburgers!"

Still, the ad is only a few words off from being a hooker ad...which probably appeals to most people who need bonds. Hummm, well done bail bond hooker lady, well done.

Last Friday

2011-03-25T09:39:00.014-04:00

Forgot to put this picture on the blog from our ACTUAL St. Patrick's Day day...our friend Justin:

On the Friday following St. Patrick's Day, we decided we should go out and about downtown and see how the festivities were going.

Joni, Bobby's cousin (right) and her friend Asia (left) came down from North Carolina to partake in such festivities. (nice purse, Bobz)

This dude was totally creepy with this vibrating light thing. He was putting it in places he should NOT have been putting it.

Saw some Jesus people. Wow, did they pick the wrong day to do Jesus' bidding.

Right when we walked by one of the guys screamed through his megaphone something about being homosexual and going to hell...I have never heard so much sarcastic cheering in all my life! Apparently we weren't the only homosexuals in the crowd at that moment! It was pretty funny.

This is a walkway under a hotel where when you go "wahooooooooo!!!" about 100 other people do it too. Why? Because echoes are fun.

No clue what the Bobz is doing here

More and more people

Gangsta

More Jesus people

And then, I look over, and I saw what appeared to be a lesbian leaning against a tree, and to my horror, it was a life size Justin Bieber. Just downright creepy, right?!

End with some cuteness!

Wordless Wednesday - Firm St. Patrick's Day Party

2011-03-23T09:32:00.021-04:00

Savannah St. Patrick's Day Review

2011-03-21T13:27:00.012-04:00

WOW. Did you guys miss a party!! I am told that there are over 500 pictures that were taken this weekend, hopefully I can get my hands on those soon so I can share the wonderment!

It all started on the 16th of March, which is the day of the firm party. Let me tell ya, I look forward to that party EVERY year, but I am SO GLAD it is only ONE time a year. I am definitely getting older, cause my body just can't handle it!

The above is me and Krystal at the kick off of the firm party. Most of the pictures of the firm party are in that 500 that were taken...which I have yet to see.

And below, you will find me and one of the attorneys kickin it old skool with some "Shoop". That's right, we had PROFESSIONAL karaoke this year!! SNAP!

After partying from 5:00pm till around 1:00am, we finally stumbled home and fell asleep around 2:00am. I woke up at 6:00am so as to get in all my morning routine. Count that, 4 hours of sleep.

First beer popped at 9:18am, as Justin and Jeremy strolled through the door (impeccable timing!).

Below is first beer of the morning, co-worker Suzanne is in the wig and wasn't quite over the previous nights events...no hair of the dog for her!

Our crew of 15 gathered up and made the trek downtown to see what we could get in to. First stop: picture at the Forsyth Park Fountain:

We eventually made it to my vehicle, which was parked downtown the night before, full to the brim with approximately 90 beers, which chilled over night to a perfect temperature of AWESOME

We watched the parade from the car and some of our crew were invited up to watch it from some random house.

I am not quite sure how the invite happened, but it was a friend of a friend that saw us from the balcony and invited everyone up. I stayed with the beer...

It is my understanding that you flash people on balconys.

We stopped for food around 2:00pm at our favorite convenient store/buffet. You have to see it to know, but it is AWESOME! Since most of Savannah was blocked off for St. Patrick's Day, we were able to sit in some odd locations...such as the drive through where people stop to get gas:

I had a pizza roll the size of my FACE! Mmmmmm good!!

After eating my body decided it was too drunk and too full to go on. We moseyed back to the house and after about 11 hours of partying and only 4 hours of sleep the night before, my body crashed. I was out from 5:00pm till 10:00 the next morning. That was some GOOD sleep!

We partied more Friday night and I am pretty sure I have pictures of that. I am going to first find my camera...update soon!!!

Be Back Soon With The Whole Story!!

2011-03-18T10:13:00.003-04:00

This just sums up the last two days of my life...but there are SO many more pictures!

To do list:

Review and post pictures of firm party

Review and post pictures of ACTUAL St. Patrick's Day.

Continue St. Patrick's Day party tonight and tomorrow night.

Review weekend w/ fabulous pictures

I am taking a half a day today at work to prepare for the above! XOXO

Short Snippits

2011-03-14T10:45:00.004-04:00

This weekend was a nice, relaxing weekend.

Friday night we went over to the Harley Davidson store to watch Bobz cousin, Joni, compete to be Miss Harley Davidson 2011...she didn't win, but it was fun to see the ladies strut their stuff on stage!

Saturday night we hosted some Beer Pong at our place. It was a small gathering, but we ended up staying up till 2:00am...scratch that, 3:00am because NO ONE TOLD ME IT WAS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME! I guess I should watch the news more. Or maybe my friends should tell me these things!!

Sunday we went to see a play called The Mikado. It is a comedy and a musical...and I loved it! It is always fun to go to plays and especially fun to see our local talent!

Is everyone familiar with what this pattern/style is called:

I can tell you it isn't called "Dogs Teeth", which is what Krystal came up with when trying to describe this pattern. I thought I was going to fall off the couch laughing!

I promise to have more entertainment in my posts this week...it is, AFTER ALL, St. Pattys Day week!!

8 Days Until:

2011-03-09T16:12:00.006-05:00

In Summary - Random Tuesday

2011-03-08T10:49:00.005-05:00

So my bowling career has ended, temporarily.

I made the top 50, then I made top 5 and then...I placed 7th. I had to be in the top 6 to go to Atlanta. BOO! AND THEN!!! Found out that one of the top 6 actually can't go to Atlanta, so, I TECHNICALLY made top 6, however, league rules have changed and even if one of the top 6 drops out, it wouldn't move me up. DAMN.

Krystal and I are trying to buy a house. I have been through this process before and I forgot how much I don't like it. It is stressful and depressing and stressful. Stressful to think about owning a house again, depressing to see houses that are what you want, but can't get enough financing to be able to get it, and stressful because it is a fucking house. A HOUSE. That WE have to take care of. Limb comes through your roof...no landlord to call...ACK!

Nothing is final yet...as a matter of fact we are still waiting to see what the actual amount is that the lender is willing to finance. We may end up renting for another year, but all is not lost...at least we know where we stand for the future!

If things do work out, we have seen at least one house that is promising. Keep your fingers crossed that all works out smoothly, no matter what happens!

9 DAYS! NINE FREAKIN DAYS until St. Patrick's Day!!

We are going to be celebrating in FINE form. The firm is hosting a freakin BOMB ASS St. Patrick's Day party.

4 kegs of Harp (count it peeps...that is about 800 beers!)

Acoustic Irish tunes sung by one of our very own attorneys

Said attorney will then go on with his rock n' roll band

After the band finishes, PROFESSIONAL karaoke will be set up by our good friend Ander

Catered by one of the best food joints in town: Barnes Peep that menu for yummy southern goodness!

And all taking place in our parking lot at the firm...which means all I have to do is open my office door and the party will be RIGHT THERE.

The following day, ACTUAL St. Patrick's Day, we will be arising early to drink our first beer at 9:18am. Long story as to why it is 9:18am, but you can ask my friend Justin. He is sure to comment on this post. That will then be followed by the St. Patrick's Day parade, (second largest parade in the WORLD!!) more drinking, more celebration and then passing out around 5:00pm. I used to make it until dark, but as the years have gone on, my drinking stamina has withered. It is a sad thing.

Have a Randomly Awesome Tuesday!!

Adult Toys

2011-03-02T14:49:00.008-05:00

HA! You thought I was going to talk about dildos didn'tcha! Well, I'm not, at least not today.

Euro-steam vaporizer hot steam grout cleaning thingy - that is what we are going to talk about! A toy for adults.

The Larkin and Wallypog have moved into a lovely new abode. It was a foreclosure and apparently the people who lived there before decided the bathroom was a fantastic spot to leave their animals to poop and pee.

We were unaware that was what was staining the floor until we placed some grout cleaner on it and almost died from the toxic ammonia stench. Almost died people! From grout!

So then, since we didn't want to die, we decided to rent the above steam cleanin machine from Home Depot. Larkin and I did our due diligence on the matter by watching approximately 10-12 videos on YouTube. YouTube has a video for everything, doesn't it?!?

I have to say that I LOVE to clean...maybe it isn't so much the cleaning itself that I love, but I love CLEAN THINGS, and in order to get clean things, you have to clean, so I guess in a round about crazy OCD way, I love to clean.

I got all up close and personal with Larkin's grout and steamed the shit, literally, out of it.

Before:

During:

After:

I completely forgot to take an entire before picture, but you can see from the first picture and imagine what the entire floor looked like...this is what the bathroom looked like after:

Believe me, MAJOR improvement. I considered purchasing one of these machines, but I am not sure I would use it enough to justify the purchase...HOWEVER, just renting it twice would pay for the machine...so MAYBE. My 30th birthday IS this year, ya know. HINT.

It IS My Blog After All

2011-03-01T15:21:00.009-05:00

I am going to take a moment to talk about something that you may or may not "get" or understand in the way I mean for it to be taken. So, let me preface this by saying - just giggle. It is funny, dammit.

Race. Gotta talk about it! Krystal, my beautifully lovely fiancé, who doesn't read this blog, so I get no extra points for that, grew up in the north. She moved around alot, but mostly New Hampshire and Massachusetts. Racial stuff is different up there.

And again, this is MY blog, so I can talk about this shit. There will be no more apologizing or trying to pad your sensitivities past this point. OK?!? OK.

The way people feel about race is no mystery to most. In the West it is the Mexican population, in the South it is the black population, incidentally where Krystal was from it was the Asian population.

So Krystal moves down South and starts up her fairly long career in waiting tables, namely at Carrabba's. (YUM!)

There are stereotypes in the serving world. This is also no mystery. It isn't to say that ALL teenagers are messy, rude and tip horribly. It isn't to say that ALL old people are needy, overly demanding and STILL leave 3% tips like they did in 1950. And it most CERTAINLY isn't to say that black people don't tip...but being we have such a LARGE demographic of the black population here, when you are a server, it feels that way. I know black servers that will back me up on this. Not to mention, I have witnessed this numerous of times. Numerous. of. times.

Krystal didn't understand the racial tension in the South...that was, of course, until she had her first dozen tables that insisted on another server because they "didn't want no white bitch to serve them". It happens more than you think. Or until she was shorted, MORE THAN ONCE, on the tip. Just in case you are unaware, MOST servers do not make an hourly wage, tips are it. So when you get a 10 top table sitting in your section for four hours, ordering $15 meals per person, plus drinks and running your server ragged, a $5 tip is unacceptable. The going rate these days, assuming the service is acceptable, is 20%, or in Jessica math, $2.00 for every $10.00 spent.

Damn it...I got off topic. Race...I am talking about race. So it isn't uncommon for anyone in the South to break out in some ghetto speak every now and then. (Numerous of times) To be honest, it is just down right funny. I love it when I am standing out side and I can hear a telephone conversation CLEAR DOWN THE BLOCK and when said person arrives, 99.9% of the time it is a black female. 96% of the time, they are talking about how "peoples just be needen to back up out my bidness", which of course is hilarious because YOU, ma'am, were just screaming your "bidness" ALL the way down the block.

The mispronunciations are downright hysterical at times. Some of the most memorable for me are (and REALLY DID HAPPEN):

Modem = "I don't know what wrong wit my imodium box"

Mannequin = "How much dem clothes on that dummican be cost?"

Grocery Cart = "Who dat buggy be?" (translation: "Excuse me? Is this your cart?)

Shrimp = "Ah, shit, I be lovin dees skrimp"

Straight = Naw, don't want no more skimp, I'm skrate"

This all brings me to this:

The Epiphany Hair Studio...or as we imagine the the pronunciation to go: The E-pip-pany Hair Studio. i.e. "Hey, I goin to da E-pip-pany to get my hairs did!"

I came across the reviews for the place. HILARIOUS.

Spelling, punctuation...everything is original:

First comment:

worst hair salon ever had a 1: 30 appointment the lafy did not show up until 4 o clock. her name is monica, she has black and red hair. and she works at the epiphany on skida way. please do not go to her she was rude and unprofessional. when i asked for a discount she said that she was not the ruler of how long it took my hair to dry, sense it did take a long time for my hair to dry. so she did not give me a discount and I felt as she was doing my hair that she was making inappropriate gstures behind my back. they are ghetto an unprofessional. i would save my money. glued weaves are 75 dollars sewed in is 135. it is definitely not worth

I can read that ENTIRE post in the correct dialect/accent/ghetto. I can HEAR it in my head. I was laughing so hard by the end of it!!

This is Monica I'm not sure at all about who the client is that wrote the extremely.negative review about me. However I have no problem sincerely saying sorry for your bad experience. I'm sure that anyone that gets a quick weave often knows that dryer time is unpredictable and can some times take longer then you would like, therefore I am unable to give discounts for how long it takes for your hair to dry. I would also like to say had this client voiced that she did not feel her hair was worth the price she paid she could have had any one of my many co-workers style her hair with no charge from me. please do not let this one review turn you away from our salon if you would like to see me and some of my co-workers work you can find us on Myspace (Monica Devaughn). thank you.

I just wish this was happening in person. Have you ever seen an angry ghetto black person. DUDE. Entertainment at its finest.

Monica went on to get a surprisingly fantastic review by the next person, but it isn't entertaining, so no need to post that.

On an end note, I was asking my dear Larkin for re-caps of some funny ghetto moments we have witnessed and she reminded me that the moments are good, but what about some of the names...allow me to list a few:

Tracheka

Daquasha

Mikessa

Shavaris

Curitilia

Twanesia

My spell check just had a fit. Yes. Those are real names we come across day to day.

See ya on the flip side my homies! HOLLLAAA!

Hearts Aflutter!

2011-02-23T11:36:00.004-05:00

Tiny niece or nephew is progressing nicely...no longer a black dot and starting to resemble some other sort of mass that is vaguely human.

The heartbeat is strong, though not able to be heard yet, but Ana said that the white flicker on the screen indicated it was doing what any heart of that size should be doing!

Also, it is looking VERY likely that my niece or nephew will be sharing my birthday month...and MAYBE my actual DAY of birth! I told Joseph and Ana it would be the best birthday present ever!

Our office was without power yesterday, so we did what any normal office without power would do and all went down to Wild Wing for lunch and beverages...and didn't leave until 6:00pm. I had 122oz of beer. It is helpful in the counting process when they bring you beer in 22oz mugs. (plus one 12oz). Needless to say, I had to call Krystal to come and drive some of us home. I also was in bed by 7:00pm, which had me waking up at 2:00am - my body insisting that it was time to get up. Not so body, not so. On the plus side, I slept through any hangover that might have been and feel fantastic today!

Found out this week that THE Kathy Griffin is coming to Savannah on May 28th! I am SUPER stoked about this! Hopefully the ticket prices will be decent AND won't sell out before I capture a couple!

Have a wonderful Wednesday!

Booskis!

2011-02-21T10:22:00.004-05:00

Today is my love's birthday! I can't think of anyone else on this earth that I have loved the way I love this woman!

Happy 26th Birthday my Booskis!!

BEHOLD!

2011-02-18T14:33:00.007-05:00

You are in the presence of bowling greatness!!

For I, your favorite Jessica, has made it to the TOP 6 in the bowling competition!!

Proof: I got a card with my name on it AND a balloon!

Just to get you caught up, I have been entering in a bowling competition for a while now. It was a few months last year up until January where you paid $2 a week and you competed to be in the top 50 bowlers at our bowling ally. Made that...by the skin of my chinny chin chin.

THEN I entered in the next step, Center Finals, which is $10 for two weeks of bowling. Last night was the first bowl and in the first round I made top 6!! I am #5 out of 6!

Tim there is a friend of ours! He bowled like a freakin CHAMP last night! (I have no idea who those other people are)

NOW, if we are successful in staying in the top 6 next week, I believe we win a small bit of cash, THEN we get to go and bowl in the district final in Atlanta! If we win in Atlanta, there is some more cash involved and THEN we get to go to nationals in VEGAS to bowl for $600,000.00!

And when I use the word "we" here I am just sending out good juju to Tim...but it isn't a team thing, it is an individual thing. The individual wins the little bit of monies along the way. (Which, if I win here, is totally going towards buying the league some beers!)

Just think, somewhere in the world, RIGHT NOW, is some Division C 159 average (and under) bowler walking around, they don't know they are lucky yet, but they are going to win that $600,000.00!!!

Wouldn't it be great to win my retirement at amateur bowling??! OR wouldn't it be great to BLOW my retirement in VEGAS!!

Fingers crossed people!!!

Too Soon

2011-02-17T14:33:00.008-05:00

I celebrated too soon. Got news to day that "After a fast start and little initial opposition, the issue of Sunday liquor sales is dead for this year's Georgia legislative session."

SO, still no liquor, wine or beer sales on Sunday. **quietly steps back into 20th Century**

According to the news report, the Republicans are to blame. Hehe...well, ya gotta blame someone for this nonsense.

HOWEVER, as Deb pointed out, we shouldn't complain too much...In Savannah (not all of Georgia) we don't have an open container law (as long as you aren't driving) and you can walk around just about anywhere with your drink in tow.

Kinda ridiculous now that I think about it. So you are going to let us walk around with alcohol, but Lord forbid (and that why the law was put into place...those preachers said the Lord forbade) I purchase from a store on Sunday.

No worries, I will continue to purchase enough on Saturday to last till Sunday. I will continue, on Sundays, to go to restaurants and/or bars that serve food and drink there. OR I can just hop over to South Carolina on Sunday if I REALLY want to purchase my beer for the house.

You know how far behind the curve we are when we don't even have alcohol sales on Sunday...don't even think about civil unions, gay marriage or anything of the sort. Give it 20 more years and maybe we will see something!

FINALLY! We Have Joined The 21st Century!

2011-02-09T11:03:00.004-05:00

I received grand news today:

Ga. House Panel OKs Sunday Sales Bill

That's right. In this State of ours we have not been able to purchase alcohol at STORES on Sunday. Who made up this law? Why has it been around so long? WTF? Yes, all of these things are things I have asked all along.

When I lived in the middle of Georgia, if we wanted to drink on Sundays, we had to go to a restaurant. Now that I live in Savannah, which is on the border of South Carolina, if I want to purchase beer from a store (i.e. my case of Miller Lite) on Sunday, I have to drive 30 minutes to get it. And don't think I haven't done that before.

Typically we remember to purchase enough on Saturday to get us through our Sunday, but on occasion we forget OR drink it all on Saturday. Makes for a very sad Sunday.

BUT NOW!!! Sunday alcohol sales in stores! Larkin and I have already decided to have a "We Can Buy Beer on Sunday Like Everyone Else" party! Any excuse, right?

Thank you for sharing in this joyous occasion with me! I will be sure to let you know when it is finally passed into law.

So Glad It Is Tuesday, Cause This is RANDOM!

2011-02-08T10:11:00.006-05:00

You guys know, being bloggers and all, that you get some really random comments at times. No, not those ones in Chinese that some spammer sent, but those really, real people that have either taken major offense to something OR are REALLY on board with what you said, so much so that it makes you go, hummm, wonder WTF is wrong with this person.

Well, I do that all the time. But not to YOUR comments...you know, only THOSE kinds of people.

So I wrote this post in 2009: "Gaaaahhhhrrrrrahhhhhhh", yes, 2 years ago, and got a comment on it this weekend! I think it was the amazing title that attracted the attention. (You might want to read the post for it to make sense)

Here is what Anonymous commenter said:

-This message is in regards to your Feb 28th, 2009 blog post.

Yeah, the singer didn't work out too well... You shouldn't be so judgemental. If you didn't like it, you shouldn't post a billboard up, because there are plenty of people who do like this music. Perhaps much more than you think. Also, when posting things to the Internet, you should be aware of the potential for it to do harm if a promoter, venue, or potential fans are running searches on the Internet.

I invite you to listen to some recordings the band did about a year ago (without said dude), and hopefully you could at least have an appreciation for how much effort and discipline it takes to produce the music.

Facebook Page

Understand that it is hard enough to be a musician in the digital age without articles like this. Do a search on the band, I am sure you will find a lot of stuff. Its fine you write how you feel, but consider removing the band's name from you posting. Is it necessary to call the band by its name?

We have all heard bands we hated, and talked badly of them. That goes away nearly as soon as its heard. To post something on the Internet is making an unlimited amount of potential for the band to miss an opportunity.

The band hasn't been turned down for a show, and lately hasn't needed to go gig finding because its been playing per request. It is possible that a post from two years ago can still do some damage. Please do consider at least removing the band's name from your post.

Thankyou.

~A fan

Response:

A Fan - thank you for commenting on this long forgotten post.

Can you believe I have only gone to that bar, RIGHT BEHIND MY HOUSE, twice!!? This was one of them, the other time is when I went to see an electronic band called Freezepop - that was a weird one, let me tell ya! I didn't review it immediately, but I did write about how they TOTALLY blew us off when we went to hang out with them in Boston. (http://this-life-is-mine.blogspot.com/2009/03/part-ii-allston.html) Those Yankees can be so rude sometimes. (Not the baseball team, though my fiancée says they are of Satan. She is a Red Sox fan)

But back to your comment. Again, it is appreciated and I will leave it up for all the world to see. I understand your concern over any bad press that might come to one of your favorite bands, but I won't edit or remove the band's name from the post for the following reasons:

1) It is MY blog. So adequately named, "This Life is MINE". It is for a good reason.

2) The write up I gave the band would NEVER be taken seriously by any REAL promoter. After all, it is from a silly ol blog called "This Life Is Mine".

Dude (or Dudette), that isn't EVEN as awesome as some of the band names I have come up with! "Fleas In The Basement" has been my latest fictional (but one day!!) band name. Just wait till a promoter gets a hold of THAT! "HELLO DETROIT!! We are FLEAS IN THE BASEMENT" **cue roaring applause**

We just recently got Rock Band 3 and named ourselves "The Twat Waffles". Can you believe Playstation 3 will not post "Twat" on the public ranking boards?!? Kids are going to grow up to be pansy's with the way people are forcefully edited these days!

I digress.

3) I knew I would get to this number eventually, and this is SUPER important: any one or any band that puts themselves out in the public eye is free game for public scrutiny. If we didn't have adverse opinions about things then we would all be the same and let's face it, no one wants to listen to Kenny G all day and that is why I am SO glad someone stood up in the 90's and told him to quit molesting that horn and to get some conditioner for that hair of his. Damn it, I did it again...rambling on about shit...oh well, it is MY blog after all.

In sum up, thanks for stopping by. Please feel free to peruse some of my other blog material. Comments make me happy, good or bad, because it means that people actually cared enough to type something in the magical comment box. (Usually that number only gets to a staggering 5 comments)

So to you sir (or madam) - I thank you!